Mmm, Spoofy!
by Lin13
Summary: A story where spontaneous stupidity reigns supreme. Reviewer number 200 gets to request a oneshot from me!
1. Can you feel the pain?

* * *

Disclaimer: Don't own avatar, yadda yadda, and I won't own it by the time this story is over, so this is the only disclaimer you get! HAH!

To those of you new to my writings, I usually start it out with an authors note that just tells you a bit about my current life experiences. Tonight's experience…HUMAN FOOSBALL! It was awesome! And I'm proud to say that I sustained the worst injury. Steve, who's on the soccer team, kicked the eight pound exercise ball as hard as he could…right at my face. It knocked me flat on my butt! It was so freakin' cool! Hopefully I'll have at least one black eye tomorrow! My nose is still numb and I have a headache. So I am in the perfect mood to begin a humorous fic! Yay!

Alright, this is my first total spoof of the ALTA series. I'm doing this to be a smart ass, so nobody take anything personally. I made Zuko (and all the other non-important characters) be this way for fun. In all actuality I lick the ground he walks on. I hope you enjoy!

* * *

"MEGA SQUEE! UNCLE! GUESS WHAT!" Zuko squealed and galloped down the hallway to his uncle's room. He yanked the door open and his squeal of glee turned into a shriek of horror at the sight of Iroh dressed as a tea bag and dancing around the room.

"UNCLE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" He demanded.

"It is my daily ritual of worshiping the god of tea." Iroh said as he performed a magnificent pirouette. Zuko watched Iroh blankly for a moment.

"Uncle, you have a sickness."

"Yes…I know. Now why are you mega squee-ing?" Iroh asked. This led Zuko to another series of happy squeals. He pulled a calendar…scroll…thingy from the back of his belt and held it out for his uncle to see.

"IT'S MY DADDY'S BIRTHDAY NEXT WEEK! I WANNA THROW HIM A PARTY!"

"Zuko, you've been banished from the firenation. You can't throw him a party."

"I WANNA THROW HIM A PARTY!" Zuko yelled and stomped his foot.

"Zuko, your father will kill you if you so much as put one toe over the firenation borders. You can't throw him a party."

"**I WANNA THROW HIM A PARTY!" **Zuko roared, his face turned a horrid shade of purple and various veins popped out all across his scalp.

"Holy crap, that was in ALL CAPS _and _bold! Nobody can mess with that. Alright Zuko, you can throw him a party." Iroh said. Zuko giggled and clapped his hands with joy.

"Thank you uncle. Now I just need to figure out what to get him."

"You could always capture the avatar and present him to your father, then you won't…you know…die." Iroh said.

"Nope, I can't do that," Zuko said and leaned forward to whisper, "He'll be expecting that." They both glanced from side to side to make sure there was nobody to overhear them.

"So what else are you going to get him?" Iroh asked.

"I don't know for sure. I've been looking at scrolls and whatever else it is we read and I think I've got a pretty good idea about what I want to get him. But it will be a complex journey, fraught with danger and sticky messes. But it will be well worth it when we reach our goal and can proudly present to my father the…GAH! GOOD GOD UNCLE! NO! MY EYES! I CAN'T FEEL MY EYES!" Zuko ran out of the room screaming as Iroh began taking off his teabag costume.

"MY BODY ISN'T THAT BAD!" Iroh yelled out the doorway after him. Lt. Ji happened to walk around the corner at that precise moment and quietly had a heart attack and died at the sight of nekkid Iroh.

"Now I'm depressed." Iroh said with a sad frown and a tear, "I need to go drink my weight in tea now."

And he did.

* * *

Aang, Sokka and Katara were wandering through a market (because where else can you wander) one fine lovely day, completely unstressed about the impending doom upon them all if they didn't stop the firelord. Hey, they're teenagers, they have a month to do that, right?

_Hmm, he's cute. _Katara thought to herself as she watched a boy walk by. _Hmm, he's cute too! And so is he! _

"Katara, are you checking out guys again?" Sokka asked.

"No!" Katara said as she tilted her head to inspect a certain specimen who was bending over.

"I swear, you fall in love with every single guy you see!" Sokka said.

"I do not! I'm not in love with Aang, am I? Ooh!" Her attention was distracted by another fellow who happened to walk by. She didn't even notice that Aang's bottom lip began to quiver.

"It's no use, Momo. She's never going to see me as more than just a friend." Aang said sadly.

"Um…Aang…we can here you." Sokka said. Aang glanced up quickly, but luckily Katara wasn't even paying attention.

"No you can't!" Aang said.

"I can't?" Sokka asked.

"No, you can't. When I talk to Momo he's the only one that can hear me!" Aang said.

"Oh. I didn't know that. Sorry for the mistake."

"(giggle) we fooled him." Aang said quietly to Momo.

"Hey! I heard that!" Sokka said angrily.

"No you didn't!" Aang called back.

"Oh. Okay. KATARA! NO! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT'S BEEN!" Sokka ran away to pry Katara away from a brown-haired teenage boy. Aang sighed sadly and petted Momo's back.

"Don't worry Aang. You'll always have me and Appa!" Momo said.

"You can talk?" Aang asked in surprise

"Duh."

"Why didn't you ever talk before?"

"Because, I wasn't needed to use up page space before. In fact, that is the whole purpose of this blithering ramble"

"Huh?"

"Nevermind, you're stupid, I'm not talking to you anymore."

"No! Wait! I'm sorry Momo! I'll try to be more smart!"

"Um…Aang…It's time I told you that talking to a Lemur isn't a good thing." Sokka said, now with Katara towed behind him on a leash.

"I'm talking to Momo! You can't here me!" Aang said angrily. Sokka was about to say something in return, but Katara had somehow managed to chew through her leash and had dashed into the crowd laughing madly at the top of her lungs.

"KATARA!" He went chasing after her but it was difficult in the crowd. Aang sighed, pulled a tranquilizer blower from a mysterious place in his shirt and followed them. Katara was on her hands and knees, sniffing at the ground. She could smell it! A hot guy completely worthy of her attention. Her sniffing brought her right to black-booted, well defined calf. She pressed her nose against it and breathed in deep. Oh yes, this was a hot one. She didn't realize how hot until she looked up the tall body and spotted the ponytailed head of prince Zuko.

"GAH! UNCLE! IT'S TOUCHING ME!" Zuko shrieked and jumped up on the fruit stand. "GET IT AWAY!" Iroh stepped forward purposefully with a broom at hand and began poking it in Katara's face.

"Go on then, shoo! Shoo!" Katara growled at him and hunched her shoulders.

"Wait! That's the girl who travels with the avatar!" Zuko said and scrambled down to the ground.

"It took you long enough. You'd think you would remember be after I kicked you butt!" Katara said angrily. Then her face split into a grin as she inspected the butt in question.

"Uncle! This is our chance! We could use her as bait to lead the avatar to us!" Zuko said loudly.

"What a wonderfully original idea, nephew! You do that…and I'll drink tea and spit out wise proverbs."

"Yes, we are such and awesome team!" Zuko said happily. He and Iroh gave each other a high five and thumped chests.

"Alright, we're going to capture you now!" Zuko said, turning to Katara.

"FINALLY!" She squealed and looked heavenward.

"You're not supposed to like it!" Zuko said angrily.

"Says you!" Katara snorted and looped her arm through his elbow.

"Wait, don't touch me! You're icky! I've changed my mind! I don't want to capture you anymore!" Zuko said, trying to yank his arm from her iron grip.

"GET YOUR GREASY HANDS OFF MY SISTER!" Sokka yelled, jumping suddenly from the crowd.

"I'M TRYING TO BUT-HEY! MY HANDS AREN'T GREASY!" Zuko finally managed to shake Katara from his arm and she instead latched on to his waist.

"I TOLD YOU TO GET AWAY FROM HER!" Sokka said, nearly bending double with yelling but doing nothing otherwise to enforce his will.

"WHY DON'T _YOU_ GET _HER_ AWAY FROM _ME! _UNCLE! DO SOMETHING!_" _Zuko yelled.

"I am." Iroh said and took another sip of tea. Finally, Aang caught up with them pelted Katara with a tranquilizer dart. She let out a soft sight before sliding to the ground. Zuko quickly took a few steps away from her.

"Gasp! You've captured Katara!" Aang said, looking back and forth between the unconscious Katara and Zuko who was a few feet away, dancing as though covered in bugs.

"Huh? Oh, yeah! I've captured Karena! You have to do what I say now!" Zuko said, standing boldly.

"We do?" Sokka asked.

"Yeah." Aang said then turned to Zuko. "We are your slaves now." Zuko smiled to himself.

"Well then…as my slaves I have a very important task for you…" Zuko said.

"What's that?" Aang asked.

"It's a very dangerous task-"

"It is?"

"Yes, now shuttup and let me finish. It's a very dangerous task-"

"You already said that."

"I KNOW I ALREADY SAID IT! NOW SHUT YOUR FACE AND LET ME SET THE SUSPENSE FOR THE UPCOMING CLIFFHANGER!" Zuko yelled.

"Oh sorry."

"That's okay…where was I?"

"It's a very dangerous task."

"Thankyou. Ahem. It's a very dangerous task. One that will take us through danger and alternate universes and danger and Sokka will possibly die."

"Do I have to?" Sokka whined.

"Probably not because you're too much of a lightning rod of torment." Zuko said.

"Aw, crunch monkeys." Sokka said and kicked at the dirt.

"So what is the dangerous task for?" Aang asked. Zuko glared at him and took a few steps closer. He leaned in and peered at Aang with a squinted eye, trying to decide if the child was ready to hear his fate.

"We're going to throw my daddy a birthday party!" Zuko said with a squeal.

* * *

Oh yeah, bow down to the awesome stupidity of this story! And then review…BUT STAY BOWED! I want to see creaking spines! 


	2. Apparently not

Woo hoo! I love Saturdays! Do you know how long it's been since I've spent an entire morning watching cartoons? It was awesome. Now, as for business, I think there was some confusion in my last author's note. I wasn't implying that Zuko was an unimportant character, but that all the others were unimportant. I personally think the show should be called "Fire Prince: The angsty hot teenager". So PLEASE don't sick the ZFM after me!

And thank you so much to the many of you that reviewed. I give you my love and…happiness. SO DON'T BLOW IT! JK.

* * *

"Alright, first thing is first. I need to assign you each something to do to get my daddy's party ready." Zuko said, clapping his hands to get everyone's attention. They were back on Zuko's ship, Sokka and Aang were looking miserable but Katara was the only girl surrounded by muscular men. She didn't know where to begin.

"The crew is going to stay here because they're just a bunch of faceless nobody's. There was only one of them with an identity and he died this morning." Katara looked saddened by this. "Avatar, you're in charge of entertainment. Idiot, you get the cake. And girl…I don't know…you can jump out of the cake or something." Katara looked happified by this. "Now, go away and do what I've told you. Meet back here by sunset so we can get ready for our quest to get my daddy's gift." Aang and Sokka both nodded and turned to leave. Katara, who was still overwhelmed at the manly variety before her decided the best pick was Zuko and latched once more to him.

"WAIT! TAKE HER WITH YOU!" Zuko shrieked as Katara leaned in, making smacky lip noises. Aang grabbed her by the arms, Sokka grabbed her by the ankles and they carried her from the ship.

"You look so stressed prince Zuko! Why don't you have some tea with me while we wait for them to come back?" Iroh said.

"Uncle, I've refused your tea ten times a day for the past two years. What makes you think I'll drink it this time?" Zuko demanded, wiping Katara's drool from his armor.

"Because it's crucial for plot development." Iroh said with a shrug.

"Oh. Okay then!"

* * *

"Alright, so I'll go find some games and you need to get a cake." Aang said, mentally checking off a list in his head.

"Wait, why are we doing this again?" Sokka asked.

"Duh, because he kidnapped Katara!" Aang said, pointing at Katara.

"Oh…yeah…I'll see you later then." Sokka turned and went off in search of a bakery. Aang turned and began peering into stores for any games that looked interesting.

"Wait! What am I supposed to do while you guys get stuff?" Katara demanded.

"I don't know…practice jumping out of things!"

"Oh. Okay then!"

* * *

"Hmm. So you say this cake is scrumptious?" Sokka asked, peering closely at a five layer cake of eight different flavors. The baker nodded fervently. "And just how can I trust you?"

"We have free samples!" the baker said and hastily grabbed a small tray covered in various cake slices. Sokka's knees went weak Heaven had finally opened up for him.

* * *

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Katara shrieked, leaping from a pickle barrel on the docks. A galley man that was walking by screamed in alarm and passed out. The heavy load of wool he was carrying consequentially crushed him. It was sad.

"This is fun!" Katara giggled and ran off in search of something else to jump out of.

* * *

"Hmm, party games party games party games. What kind of party game do you get for an evil man bent on world domination?" Aang muttered to himself as he walked through one of the many shops. "Hmm, Monopoly? No, I'm not that cruel. Risk? Well, the month it takes to get through a game would definitely divert his attention…hmm…PUFFY PUPPY'S MATCHING GAME! YES!"

* * *

An innocent woman was browsing at one of those circular clothing racks when suddenly something leapt out at her, screaming at the top of its lungs. So the lady ran away…screaming…at the top of _her_ lungs. Katara laughed deep in her throat and crouched back down, peering at the outside world with shifting eyes in wait for the next victim.

* * *

"GET OUT!" The baker shoved Sokka (nowunrecognizeable beneath a thick layer offrosting) from the shop and put up the 'closed' sign. Then he proceeded to weep at the dismal sight of his empty shop. Sokka looked sadly at the ground.

"Great, now what am I supposed to do for a cake?"

"Cabbages! Get your cabbages here!" a merchant yelled. Sokka grinned and snuck up behind him. Once the merchant's back was turned, Sokka grabbed his cart and disappeared into the crowd, cackling in a devious sort of way.

"MY CABBAGES! NOOOOOOO!" And just because it's a trend, the merchant died.

Sokka ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran until he ran smack into Aang, knocking the boy over and causing the piles of games in his arms to fly everywhere.

"What are you doing?" Aang demanded, rubbing his sore stomach.

"Um…nothing that isn't not unillegal…STOP ACCUSING ME!"

"I wasn't accu-"

"STOP IT!"

"I wasn-"

"STOP!"

"I-"

"AHH!" Aang frowned at Sokka and opened his mouth.

"AHH!" Sokka screamed again. They stared at each other for a moment.

"Where's the cake?" Aang asked.

"There isn't any at the bakery. But I have lots of frosting, so we're just going to put it on the cabbages." Sokka said.

"Isn't that…kinda…gross?" Aang asked.

"It's food, how dare you insult it!" Sokka said angrily, grabbing one of the cabbages and clutching it over his heart. "Sssh, don't listen to him my precious."

"How is Katara going to jump out of it?" Aang asked.

"We'll just stack it around her. Stop asking so many questions! What games did you get?" Sokka began picking up the various boxes. "Break the ice, Cooties, Mousetrap, Uno, Twister." He turned and stared at Aang blankly for a moment, "YOU'RE A GENIUS!"

"Aw, shucks."

"Speaking of corn, where is Katara anyways?" Sokka asked.

"I told her to go practice jumping out of things." Aang said with a shrug, "Wait, that kinda sounded wrong."

"YOU LET H ER GO ON HER OWN? UNSUPERVISED? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT KIND OF HAVOC YOU MAY HAVE UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD?" At that precise moment Katara popped out of a gopher hole and hid behind Sokka as the gopher chased her down, chittering madly. Katara growled back, her hands were full of the gopher's winter stock of nuts. She threw these at the gopher with alarming ferocity until it retreated back to the safety of its hole.

"There she is!" Aang said cheerfully.

"What were you doing?" Sokka asked.

"Um…I dunno." Katara said with a shrug.

"So….what do we do now?" Sokka asked. They all stood around looking at the sky and shuffling their feet.

"Should we…go back to Zuko's ship?" Aang asked.

"Yup, sounds good." Sokka said as Katara squeaked in delight. Katara's squeaking hit rigamorole status when they actually found Zuko…who was wearing nothing but a shirt tied around his waist…and a left boot…and a lampshade. Aang and Sokka both moved to constrain her, but luckily it wasn't needed since she promptlyfainted with joy.

"What happened to him?" Sokka asked in disgust as Zuko ripped off the shirt and swung it around his head. Somewhere in the distance the 'prince Zuko is naked' alarm went off inthe fangirl homebase and thousands of teenage girls fainted simultaneously.

"He had some of my tea." Iroh said, watching Zuko in amusement as he danced around the room, his ponytail swishing out the top of the bright green lampshade. "Do you want some?" Iroh asked cheerfully, holding out a teapot to Sokka. Sokka shook his head and backed away slowly. They all watched the prince in fascination for a few minutes.

"So…what do we do now?" Sokka asked.

"Well, we wait for the drunken spell to wear off, then we do whatever Zuko tells us." Iroh said. Suddenly, Zuko spontaneously burst…into song.

"And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly, for a white guy!" That was all he managed to get out before he passed out on the floor, mostly because I can't remember much more of the song than that.

"THIS IS OUR CHANCE!" Sokka yelled and grabbed a conveniently placed rope. "We can tie the prince up and get away!"

"Do you really think I'll just allow you to tie up my nephew?" Iroh demanded.

"Well, you tricked him into becoming slop-faced drunk." Sokka pointed out.

"Good point. Give me that end, I'll get his ankles."

* * *

When Zuko opened his eyes, he was in a forest (and to the thousands of sad groans, he was now wearing clothes). Not that he could see anything beyond the big blue eyes that were staring at him. Katara giggled at him and kissed his nose. Zuko tried to pull away, or yell, but he was tied up and gagged.

"He's awake!" Katara called to a small group of people sitting around a fire.

"So what?" Aang called back. Katara grabbed a loose end of rope and dragged Zuko until they were both by the fire as well. With a good amount of struggling he managed to wiggle to his knees. He yelled ferociously, but everything was cut off by the gag.

"Down boy!" Katara giggled and yanked on the rope. Zuko glared at her, then turned his glare on his uncle.

"Sorry Nephew. This just sounded like so much fun!" Iroh said. Zuko burned through his gag.

"What's going on?" he demanded.

"Well, we were just going to run away once we tied you up, but then we decided that throwing a party for your dad sounded much more fun that trying to bring his eviltyranny to an end." Aang said.

"And so why am I still tied up?" Zuko also demanded.

"Oh, Katara did that." Sokka said. Katara giggled and yanked on the rope again.

"Oh Agni, if there is any mercy in the universe, smite me now!" he prayed.

* * *

The room echoes with my mad laughter, leaving you with the life-changing choice…to review…while I go bowling.

By the way, I've drawn a picture of Zuko as a drunken streaker (though still with the shirt on). I'll have to let you know when I finally get it posted. But just to tell you now, it could be a while since the computer/scanner relationships in my family are...not good.

Now you can review!


	3. Because you've made it this far

Weeeeeeell, I wasn't planning on updating tonight. I was actually planning on procrastinating for a few more days, but I've accomplished absolutely nothing today and figured the day shouldn't be a total waste. Now! On to my Authors note!

Wow, there's been some wacky weather in Utah today. It was snowing pretty good this morning while I was on the freeway going to school, then on the way to my other school it was a freakin' blizzard. I could barely see anything forty feet in front of me. It was almost a complete whiteout! But then when I was coming home from work it was such a sunny happy day I almost felt like skipping! (I refrained of course as I enjoy the freedom outside the institution) I don't mind cold weather at all, in fact my bedroom window hasn't been shut once this winter, but I really wish spring would just get on with it. My horse, Mama, is due to deliver her foal next month, and I want it to be warm for that! I'm so excited! I've been watching her and even though she doesn't look very pregnant (she's quite the masculine horse) I could see sum'm kickin'! I'm praying for a buckskin or dun colt!

As to very personal news…my butt hurts. I just thought you would all like to know. I have a feeling that Tae Bo, jogging half a mile and riding a bike for twenty minutes straight isn't a good mix. I would have put in some crunches as well, but I'm just not that stupid.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I've got some pics up on my deviant account; one is for this story (cough-drunk Zuko-cough)! You should check it out, as a further enticement it's called "NO PANTS". You can get there by clicking my homepage link on my profile and if you have a deviant account…PLEASE leave a comment. You would be my all time hero if you did. Now! On to the story!

* * *

Zuko was known throughout the land for being completely stubborn and fearless. This was before he had to spend actual time around Katara. After three hours spent running away from her, he finally gave up and sat sulking by the fire with her glued to his side. He sighed in disgust, Katara sighed in bliss, Sokka glared at Zuko with deepest loathing…then sighed, Aang danced around the fire like a pagan because he has ADHD and Iroh looked around in an annoyingly cheerful sorta way.

"Alright everyone, it's time to go to sleep!" Iroh called out.

"What do you think we are? Kids? It's still early!" Aang said.

"Um, actually, you are twelve. So yeah. Now go to sleep, we need to get an early start tomorrow." Iroh said. They all nodded and stood up (Zuko still sporting an extra 110 lbs) and made for bed.

"So what exactly is it that we're seeking to give your father?" Sokka asked.

"It's too amazing for your simple peasant dumb brain to contemplate. You'll see it when we get there." Zuko grumbled and tried once more to dislodge the brown and blue growth. Katara resisted all prodding and, with a sad sigh, Zuko finally gave up and crawled into a magically summoned red sleeping bag. Everyone else did so too except Aang who never seemed to have any bedding; the poor neglected child. He probably coulda used the tent canvas as a blanket, but that seemed to have only existed for one episode. (author then continues to rant and background slowly fades away with her annoying voice still prattling on)

Breakfast was served the next morning and everyone went through a routine of stretches because stretching is awesome. Everyone should do it in the morning. If they did, then there would be world peace.

"Hey! Where's Momo?" Aang asked suddenly, looking around for his beloved little hybrid friend.

"Umm…" Sokka said slowly.

FLASHBACK

Sokka woke up in the middle of the night, his stomach gurgled and lurched unpleasantly.

"So…hungry!" he whined. He tried to sniff out the food bag, but Aang had hidden it particularly good this time. "Must…eat…cough" Just then he noticed two tennis ball eyes glimmering up at him in the darkness.

"Your fate has been prolonged long enough!" And he lunged.

END FLASHBACK

"He…ran away." Sokka finished.

"He did? That's so sad!" Aang said then sighed, "But I guess it's for the best. He's in a happier place now." Sokka had began smiling and dancing cheerfully.

"Wait! Why are we in the woods? Why did we even leave my ship?" Zuko demanded suddenly.

"Well, we weren't going to use your crew, and Appa is much faster anyways." Aang said jabbing a thumb over his shoulder. When the giant creature didn't grunt in response to its name, he turned and frowned. "Where's Appa?"

"Umm…"

FLASHBACK

"Still…so…hungry!" Sokka whimpered. He heard something grumble behind him and turned slowly.

END FLASHBACK

"He ran away too." Sokka said.

"They both ran away? Where would they go?" Aang asked.

"Where does everybody go when they run away? Either to the circus or Las Vegas." Zuko grumbled. Katara squealed at the L word(s). "That's really getting annoying! Will you please go away!" Zuko growled.

"Okay." Katara said and promptly let go. Zuko stared at her in amazement.

"Why didn't you let go before?"

"You never said 'please'! Duh!"

"Okay, guys, we have no bison to fly us to…wherever…so what should we do now?" Aang asked.

"Well, we could travel through this creepy black forest that is said to eat people and hold their soul prisoner until the end of time." Iroh said, waving to some ominous looking trees. Crows cackled from the broken branches and a supernatural breeze wafted over the small group, carrying with it rotten leaves and a deep, echo-y whisper.

"Or we could go back and use Zuko's ship. It's just over there." Katara said, pointing over her shoulder where Zuko's ship was anchored in the harbor.

"Wow! This is a really tough decision." Aang said, rubbing his chin in contemplation.

"No it's not! We'll just do what we did at my father's court…flip a peasant!" Zuko said, pointing at Sokka. "If he lands on his head, we go through the forest. If he lands on his feet then we get back on my ship."

"That sounds good." Aang said.

"It does?" Sokka asked.

"There's no other way to make a decision this complicated!" Aang said with a shrug. Zuko and Iroh stepped forward and each grabbed an arm and a leg. They swung Sokka back and forth, then at the count of three they chucked him as hard as they could. Sokka's arms and legs flailed as he soared through the air and landed with a thud…on his head. Everyone cheered and they set off into the forest.

Their journey into the black forest was really quite uneventful. In fact, the first few hours were so dull that to write it in detail would be utter madness on my part as I would undoubtedly loose my entire fanbase. The only thing of consequence was that Katara began chanting "Lions and Tigers and Bears! OH MY!" and continued chanting it despite constant threats of being fed her own body parts…ew that sounded wrong. BUT THEN SOMETHING ACTUALLY HAPPENED!

"Lions and Tigers and Bears!" Katara muttered.

"Where?" Aang asked, looking around for the millionth time as his attention span and memory rivaled that of a goldfish.

"OH MY!" Katara shrieked. She walked on in silence for a few moments, her eyes shifting through the black spooky trees. "Lions and Tigers and Bears."

"Where?"

"OVER THERE!" And indeed a creepy hybrid creature stepped out into the opening. It had the body of a bear, the stripes of a tiger and the mane of a lion. It's eyes gleamed red with bloodlust and it roared hungrily at them, spraying them with drops of spittle.

"Hey! A new pet!" Aang cheered and stepped forward to hug it. Then the creature ate Aang's head…JUST KIDDING. Haha, you're so gullible. The creature didn't really eat his head. In fact it looked quite weirded out as Aang hugged it tightly around the neck.

"Ew…don't touch me!" The creature said and shoved Aang away.

"Hey! You can talk!"

"Aren't you the thmart one!" The creature spoke in an effeminate voice and had a distinct lisp. In fact, it sounded almost exactly like Richard Simmons. GOD HELP US!

"Look, you can't go any further into the woodth, okay?"

"Why not?" Sokka asked.

"Becauthe, pretty boy, if you take another thtep I'm bound by magical law to rip out your thpleens and eat your feet. And to tell you the truth, feet are kinda groth, and bethides that, I can thmell yourth from here. You might want to get that checked."

"At least if you ate them you would be doing the rest of us a favor." Katara mumbled.

"Look, I'm the Avatar. Isn't there any way you could let me by because of that?" Aang asked.

"Thorry thweety, the rules thay that I can't let you by. No matter who you are."

"How about this? You only eat one of us and the rest of us will 'slip by' unnoticed as you are so busy doing what you are supposed to!" Iroh said. The creature thought this over, then nodded.

"Alright, but I get to choothe, okay?" The creature peered over them, then came forward and began sniffing them one by one, making sure to skip over Sokka. "Hmm…I choothe…you." It said, pointing to Zuko.

"Why? Because his feet stink the least?" Aang asked.

"Oh goodneth no! You all reek! He's just so darn thexy!"

"True 'dat!" Katara said and knocked knuckles with the creature.

"YOU CAN'T LET IT EAT ME! I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS WHAT OUR QUEST IS FOR!" Zuko shrieked.

"Well…we can just make it up as we go! And if it doesn't work out we can always just destroy the legacy of your ancestors like we wanted to in the first place." Aang said. The creature stepped forward and picked Zuko up easily.

"WAIT! GIRL…UM…KALAMA…YOU'RE OBSESSED OVER ME, AREN'T YOU? YOU WOULDN'T LET IT EAT ME! RIGHT?" Zuko yelled as they all began filing by, one at a time.

"Sorry Zuko, princes are sooooooo last season." And with that they all followed the trail, humming softly to themselves as a painful scream echoed through the trees.

* * *

Hmm. I have a cut on my knuckle. I wonder where that came from? OH! Sorry. Ahem. DUN Dun duunnnnn! Was Zuko really eaten? What awaits our heros next? You will find out…erm..eventually.

Okay, normally I would ask you to kiss my knuckle better, but since many of you are several hundred and/or thousand miles away, I'll take a soppy review instead. Thanks luvs!


	4. Maybe you have nerve damage

Wow, I had quite the adventure today. First, let me explain one thing about where I work. My boss is very spontaneous. That's about it. I'm a graphic artist for him, but today I ended up taking his dog, Iris, for a walk. I didn't mind this at all. I love dogs. So, I'm taking her for a jog around the block and everything was going good until we got to the park. We were going passed this house when all of a sudden the biggest dog I've ever seen comes into sight. I've met some people who have pet grizzly bears, and this guy was about the size of one. He scared the crap out of poor Iris. He comes lumbering forward, turns out he's not leashed or anything, and so Iris starts to cower as the beast came to check her out. At one point he even started growling at her. So I try and grab him by the scruff of the neck and get between them so I can lead Iris away, but this thing weighs probably two hundred pounds and there's no way in heaven that I could shift the creature at all. Iris managed to finally get out of her collar and run away and the beast's owner came out and called him down. Apparently the dog's name is Smoky. So then I had to catch Iris whoalmost ran in front of a car in her moment of flusterment. Then we got back to the office after jogging the rest of the way and what does Ed (my boss) say?

"Wow Katie, you should work out more! You're all breathless!" I wanted to hit him! I just ran around the block and saved his precious pet from a beardog! Of course I would be breathless! Iris was about to pass out herself! Then he gave me a letterman jacket. A letterman jacket in my two least favorite colors (purple and yellow). I swear, he gives me the weirdest things. Now if only I could get him to give me a pair of finger-less leather gloves…

Thanks for all of your reviews! sorry I didn't get around to replying.

* * *

The trail the small group was on suddenly ended. Actually, it didn't end, it more sorta disappeared into the inky blackness of a cave. They all stared at it in wonderment. Around the entrance of the cave were a series of carvings depicting demon creatures decapitating various human and animal forms. Beneath these was some sort of ancient language. 

"I wonder what this all means." Katara said, peering closely at one such carving.

"Hmm," Aang leaned in beside her and traced a finger over the words. He mumbled for a while in a gutteral sort of gibberish, "It says they want us to come in for tea and cookies!" He translated.

"Um…are you sure about that?" Sokka asked. Before Aang could answer, Iroh had shot off into the cave with an excited squeak at the prospect of tea.

"Guess there's only one way to find out." Aang said and marched forward.

"Wow, Aang has a really nice butt!" Katara observed and followed after him in a trance. Sokka watched them go through, irritation plain on his face. Then he gave that high-pitched, exasperated shriek thing he likes to do and stomped into the cave. The cave, it turns out, isn't any brighter than it looks from the outside. None of them could see anything at all.

"Eep!"

"Sokka?"

"Iroh?"

"EW! SOMETHING TOUCHED ME!"

"Aang, you okay?"

"I'm fine, Sokka, but something touched me!"

"(giggle)"

"Katara! Is that you?"

"Maaaaaybe."

"Iroh! Can't you make a torch or something?"

"There isn't one of those special stick things anywhere!"

"YOU'RE A FIREBENDER! YOU DON'T NEED TO USE A STICK THING!"

"There's no need to use that tone with me, young wippersnapper. I'll bend you over my knee, I will." Iroh grumbled as he lit a flame in the palm of his hand.

"Aww, I was expecting demon ghost creatures." Aang grumbled when the new light revealed nothing around them but dripping stone walls.

"Don't worry! I'll find demon ghost creatures for you!" Katara said happily and skipped into the abyss.

"Five cents says she'll get eaten!" Iroh said (because I love to make him gamble).

"You're on!" Sokka said.

Katara used her freakish sense of smell, deciding that if there was a demon ghost creature around, it would most likely be male. Her reasoning was correct, because come on, what demon or ghost or creature isn't male? And this one is all three! THAT MAKES IT TRIPLY MALE! Anyways, she bumped right into one.

"AANG-Y! I FOUND ONE!" She yelled over her shoulder.

"Did she just call me Aang-y?" Aang asked. Any answer was cut off by an ear-piercing scream. They ran forward and found Katara in the slimy gray hands of a hideous creature. It's face was half eaten with decay and any flesh clinging to the bones was slimy and scabbed. It had flaming eyes and was wearing a shroud made from the shadows itself. In other words, it was naked and the situation wasn't helped when Iroh came forward with his torch. Katara screamed again, then sorta gagged. None of them had a chance to say anything as more of these creatures swooped down on them…and Iroh's flame was extinquished.

* * *

Light was finally brought back a few moments later, and to everybody's relief their captors had found some makeshift togas in the meantime. They were forced to sit in cold, wet chairs and long plant roots slithered around them and bound them to their seats. One of the demon ghost creatures loomed over Iroh and growled in his face. It's breath reeked of rot and fish. 

"I suppose I only have one question to ask you." It said in a throaty whisper. "What kind of tea would you like?"

"TOLD YA!" Aang yelled over at Sokka.

"Ginseng if you have it!" Iroh called.

"Oh, sorry. We're fresh out. We've got chamomile, raspberry, peppermint…ooh! There's a little bit of licorice left!" The creature said, shifting through some boxes in a cupboard.

"Mmm, licorice is my favorite!" Iroh said and the creature set about to prepare their tea. A few moments later another creature appeared carrying a tray of peanut butter cookies.

"So what brings you to our cave?" One of the creatures asked and they all settled down to eat and drink their refreshments.

"We don't really know. We were on a quest for something, but we never really knew what for. We're hoping to find it despite all that though." Aang said through a mouthful of cookie.

"Oh, well isn't that nice? We have a few quest items in our cave if you want to seek them out! Let's see, there's the holy grail, some cruddy scrolls that belonged to that Alexandria person, there's a groovy box out by the brimstone pits and…I think if you go past Dean's hollow there's some lost city called Atlantis. Isn't that right Dean? Atlantis?" the creature called over his shoulder.

"Yup, sure is."

"Hmm, I don't think any of those things would be of interest to my brother. Thanks anyway." Iroh said, stroking his beard. The creature nodded and watched Iroh swallow the last bit of tea. Sokka had just polished off the last of the cookies and Katara was staring down Aang who was humming happily to himself.

"Well, it looks like you're all done, shall we continue on with the ritual?" Creature #1 asked.

"What ritual?" Sokka asked.

"Why, the ritual of your sacrifice! We give you tea and cookies in exchange for your souls. Silly head!"

"We didn't know about that part! Can't we back out?" Sokka shrieked.

"No, you already ate our cookies! You have to keep up your end of the deal now."

"WE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ANY DEAL!"

"Hellooo, it was written plain as day on the door!" The creature said. Sokka glared at Aang.

"Alright, since we met the girl first, she's the first to go." The creature said, it took Katara's arm and the vines released their hold on her.

"So…what exactly are the procedures of this sacrifice?" Iroh asked.

"First, we chop off her head, and then we eat her essence." A different creature said, pulling out a deadly looking scimitar. "It's particularly good with a pinch of salt!" This being said, then pulled Katara's eyes open and sprinkled salt into them.

"They're going to eat her! I win the bet!" Iroh said with a joyous hoot. Sokka grumbled and dug into his pocket for a nickel.

Katara's head was forced onto a chopping block and just as one of the creatures raised it's deadly blade to strike her tender neck, a red blur shot at it through the darkness and kicked the scimitar out of it's hands. It was Zuko. He stood up straight and his whole countenance flickered with the heat and power of his majesty. During his dramatic pose, another of the creatures grabbed him from behind and forced him onto a chair.

"Now…where were we?" Creature #1 asked. The other creature lifted the sword again just as Sokka gave a shout of triumph and pulled the nickel out of his pocket.

"Oooh! Shiny!" All the demon ghost creatures said at once. They all abandoned what they were doing and clustered around Sokka, practically drooling in the presence of the shiny nickel.

"Umm, do you want this?" Sokka asked. All the creatures nodded obediently.

"Hey! That's my nickel!" Iroh yelled.

"I will let you have this…um…nickel…if you let us go free with our lives…and give us more cookies!" Sokka said.

"Yeah! I didn't get any!" Zuko pouted.

"Very well then. We will let you go free with your lives! Just give us the shiny!" Creature #1 said. A plate of cookies was set before them and the plant roots released their grasp. The five of them scrambled to their feet and Aang promptly grabbed the plate. Sokka glanced down at the nickel, then hurled it into the darkness. All the creatures dove after it and the little group ran away through the tunnels until they spotted a pinpoint of light ahead of them. The cool air never tasted so good! (just had to put that in there)

"Wow, so I guess collectively we're worth five cents! That's kinda sad." Sokka said to himself.

"Zuko! You saved me!" Katara screeched and huggled him around the waist.

"I thought you were over me!" Zuko said in disgust.

"That was before you saved me!"

"I didn't mean to!"

"I don't care!" And Katara squeezed his waist a little tighter, cutting off Zuko's air supply.

"So how did you get away from the…whatever beast that was?" Iroh asked.

FLASHBACK

Zuko squirmed in the grasp of the giant beast. It had carefully taken off the prince's boots and was about to start nibbling on his toes when a dozen girls suddenly dropped from the trees. They were wearing matching shirts, all with various images printed on of Zuko's face. Their personages were also decorated with various plushies and other merchandise, all depicting Zuko in one expression or another. Zuko didn't know whether to feel touched or disturbed. This group of girls hurled themselves at the beast and began beating it to death with their plushies and rubber broadswords. It wasn't a pleasant death for the poor beast, I can tell you that much. Then once the beast was good and dead, the girls slowly turned to face Zuko, each with a creepy smile. Zuko released the scream that his uncle and the other three had heard, then he slipped away into the underbrush with the twelve girls hot on his tail. He managed to find the cave and dodged inside to use the darkness as a cover. But even then the girls followed. He barely escaped their grasp with his innocence.

END FLASHBACK

Zuko shuddered.

"I don't want to talk about it." He mumbled.

"Ahem, yes, well. We should get going now." Iroh said. And they did.

* * *

I've decided I have a new pet peeve: when people offer me a donut right after I start chewing a new stick of gum. THANKS MOM! 

Please review! And I've got a few more pics up on my deviant account! One is of Zuko's reaction to Katara in this fic! It kinda sucks, but I love the expression on his face.


	5. You should get that checked!

Ya know, I always figured that a prom date would be someone you know pretty well, or are currently dating. Some guy that I barely know and haven't even talked to in over a year asked me to prom on friday! My first impulse was to run to the phone and call one of my guy friends and beg them to take me so I could turn this kid down, but I'm too nice and my sisters and mom spouted out various threats between squeals of delight at the prospect of dress shopping. But really, I can't figure out which is creepier. Finally putting two and two together and realizing this guy has had a crush on me for a number of years, or finding out he knows where I live. My house is kinda in the middle of nowhere. I _am_ going with him, but I feel kinda bad because he doesn't know that yet. I haven't been able to find him or his house to drop off my reply. Goodness gracious, I hate dating. Especially pity dates! I seriously feel like Trisha off of Napoleon Dynamite. Thank God Daniel is a lot better looking then Jon Heder! That's all I can say.

* * *

Finally the spooky woods filtered into a small cheerful meadow. The group's supply of cookies had long since expired and they were all getting hungry. More than once Sokka asked Iroh if he was willing to sacrifice his voluptuous body to feed the rest of them. To this Iroh responded that he would be very much willing to do this, if it weren't for the fact that Sokka still owed him a nickel. They all rejoiced at the sight of the meadow, there was a small stream trickling merrily on its way and Sokka immediately set to work catching fish.

"Sokka! I don't eat meat, remember?" Aang said.

"Well, get over it!" He yelled and smacked at a minnow with his club. Aang sighed and shook his head.

"Katara, will you help me find some berries or something?" Aang asked.

"Sure!" She yelled and looped her arm through his. "But only if we skip!" They both skipped merrily away.

"So where do we go from here, nephew?" Iroh asked, stroking his beard. Zuko pulled a map from the inside of his shirt (because that's where everything seems to be stored) and peered closely at it.

"hmm, there's a rip in the fabric of time and space around here somewhere. The gift isn't in our dimension. We have to go somewhere else to find it." Zuko said tracing the lines with his fingertip.

"And how do we find this rip in the fabric of time and space?" Iroh asked.

"HEY GUYS! WE JUST FOUND A RIP IN THE FABRIC OF TIME AND SPACE!" Aang yelled from behind a hilltop. Zuko and Iroh ran over the top of the hill and sure enough, there was a swirling vortex the size of a door.

"Yes! This is what we're looking for!" Zuko cried, clapping his hands. "Come on!"

"Wait! What about Sokka?" Katara said. She turned and ran back over the hill.

"Here fishy fishy fishy!" Sokka sang in a seductive voice, then began smacking the water surface with his club.

"Sokka! Get over here now or else we're leaving without you!" She called down to him.

"Fine! AUGH! #$ fish! Hold still!"

"There's food!" Sokka was up and over the hill within seconds.

"Alright we'll go through at the count of five." Zuko said. "One…two…"

The portal closed.

"What the hell?" Zuko yelled.

"Oh, sorry, I tripped over the cord." Aang said sheepishly and plugged the portal back in. The swirling mass appeared once more.

"…three…four…five!" Nobody made a move.

"Aw, come on! Somebody needs to go through first!" Zuko said.

"Why don't you! It was your idea!" Sokka said.

"Fine fine." Zuko growled. The all gathered close as Zuko stood before the portal. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, grabbed Katara and shoved her through first.

"NO!" Aang yelled and jumped through after her.

"HEY! IS IT SAFE?" Zuko yelled after them.

"_IT'S AWFUL!" _Katara screamed, her voice echoing slightly from the other side.

"Oh no! My baby sister!" Sokka whimpered.

"Eh, well, I guess that's the end of that. Come on uncle." Zuko said, wiping imaginary dust from his hands. Sokka grabbed the both of them and shoved them through the portal, then jumped through after them.

Aang was looking around in confusion and Katara was turning from one thing to another, screaming at the top of her lungs. They were on a hard, black road. For miles around were fields dotted with farmhouses. In front of them was a two-story house with a big yard and over a dozen towering trees.

"This is it!" Zuko cried triumphantly as Katara began screaming at the sight of a barbed wire fence.

"Come on! The keeper of what we seek is just inside this house!" Zuko said and walked right up to the porch through the front door. The others followed him half-heartedly, this was made even doubly so for Aang when he walked through the door and found himself face to face with two mounted deer heads.

"What kind of evil person would live in such a place?" Aang muttered.

"It's this way! Keep moving." Zuko said in annoyance and turned a corner into a hallway. They followed the sound of strange music to a white door and burst through. They screamed and a teenage girl sitting at a glowing box screamed as well. Then they screamed again because her short hair was afroed around her head from a recent blow-drying. The girl grabbed a Barbie doll from a nearby toybox and weilded it threateningly at the small group who immediately took a step back.

"DAD! WE GOT COMMUNISTS IN THE HOUSE AGAIN!" She screamed.

"We're not communists!" Zuko said indignantly.

"Ahem, actually nephew, we sort of are." Iroh said, tapping Zuko's shoulder.

"What are you doing here?" The girl asked.

"We are here for the ultimate object to give my daddy as a birthday present! And you are the keeper of it! Please give it to us now!" Zuko said. The girl nodded and stroked her chin thoughtfully.

"Ah, yes, the ultimate object. You do know that many before you have sought to get the object from me, and none have succeeded." She said.

"But I'm really cute." Zuko said, flashing a brilliant smile.

"That you are, but this alone isn't enough for me to give up such a sacred item." She said, "You must all take a test, each test will be designed to test you. If three of you succeed, then the object is yours."

"Very well, we are ready to take your tests!" They all said at the same time as though they had rehearsed it. (psh, no. They totally didn't rehearse it!…ahem)

The girl giggled evilly, then she laughed evilly, then she full out roared with evil mirth as lightning flashed outside.

* * *

"Katara, the first test is for you." The girl said. They were all outside gathered around an animal pen of some sort. The girl hopped over the chain link and disappeared into a small shed, returning a moment later with a something in her arms covered with a cloth.

"Katara, you must look pure cuteness in the face and refrain from touching it! You must also refrain from speaking to it in baby talk and making faces at it. You must do this for a whole minute" The girl said. "Are you ready?"

"Yes, I am ready." Katara said. The girl pulled away the cloth and Katara found herself face to face with a floppy eared baby goat.

"You fiend!" Sokka yelled at the girl. Katara's bottom lip began to quiver as she tried to hold an emotionless expression. The baby goat stared up at her with soft brown eyes and an adorable little bleet escaped it's soft mouth. Nearly twenty other baby goats trotted out of the shed and began romping with each other on stacks of straw and dirt piles. A small squeak escaped Katara's throat.

"Come on Katara! You can do this!" Aang cried. Katara took a deep breath and glared at the baby goat. It tilted its head at her and bleated again. Katara couldn't contain it anymore. She squealed, her eyes became huge and shiny and she practically ripped the baby goat from the girl's arms in the frenzied desire to cuddle it. The girl turned and smirked at the rest of them.

* * *

"Sokka, you like to eat, don't you?" The girl asked now that they were all in the house once more.

"Yes, yes I do." Sokka said.

"And would you say that there's anything you wouldn't eat?" the girl asked.

"Absolutely nothing." Sokka said proudly.

"Then this is your test. You must eat four slices of pepperoni pizza."

"I can handle that!" Sokka said.

"Cold" she said, and Sokka gulped visibly.

"N-no problem" He stuttered.

"With pineapple!" With this the girl whipped a box from the fridge and held it for him to see.

"You fiend!" Iroh yelled. The girl laughed evilly.

"Come on Sokka! You can do this!" Aang said, rubbing Sokka's shoulders.

"Yes. And if you can't you will be the focus of my hatred for the rest of your miserable life." Zuko hissed into his ear. Sokka took a deep breath and took a bite. There was a collective gasp from everyone as Sokka forced the half chewed bite down his throat. Bite after bite, he managed to make it through all four slices. Everyone cheered.

"Wow! I bow down to you! You are a braver soul than I." The girl said, returning the box to the fridge. Sokka smiled weakly, then rushed to the garbage can where he puked and heaved until nothing else would come up.

* * *

"Zuko, you're little sister whooped you in the season premiere. I want to see if you can handle the power she possesses." The girl said. They were all once more outside and standing at another fence.

"I am twice the warrior my sister is!" Zuko growled.

"Psh, yeah right, you were all like: geh, augh, rowr!" the girl said, waving her arms in a wussy fashion. "But I found it strange that she scratched your forehead and then a few minutes later it miraculously disappeared.

"…I heal fast."

"Hmm…yeah…what were we doing again?"

"You were giving us the sacred object which we are questing for." Iroh said hopefully.

"Hee hee. It makes me laugh. No you weren't. Zuko, your test is to touch this yellow wire." The girl said pointing at the wire in question.

"Why?"

"Just because. Come on, it will be fun." The girl said. Zuko stared at the wire warily.

"How long do I have to touch it?" he asked.

"Until I say you can let go." She said, scratching her chin.

"THAT'S NO FAIR! YOU GIVE _HIM _THE EASY TEST!" Sokka cried indignantly. The girl ignored him and grinned at Zuko.

"Come on. I dare ya!" She said. Zuko frowned and grabbed the wire. Nothing happened. He glanced over at the girl in confusion, then a white hot pain seared through is hand and a pressure closed around his chest. Electricity pulsated through his body and caused every muscle to seize.

"EEauUGHehHAHEUIhgy!" He cried. The pain stopped as quickly as it had come. The girl was rolling with laughter and the rest were looking at Zuko in confusion. Zuko was about to let go of the wire when another bolt went through him.

"EeeEEpeeep" He cried. Once this one had eased he tried to let go as quickly as he could, but his hand was frozen, clenched around the wire. A few more jolts later everyone was laughing their heads off, but the girl managed to gather the strength to flip the switch on a small black box.

"hee hee. Okay, you passed." She wheezed through giggles.

* * *

What tests will await Aang and Iroh? I don't know yet. You'll just have to wait and see. If you want, feel free to give me ideas in a review! And sorry everyone! This one took me quite a while to get up! I feel ashamed. And no offense was meant to anyone who likes cold pizza with pineapple (shudders). I personally can eat just about anything except that.

Remember to review!


	6. Are you still here?

Thanks everyone for your reviews. I'm sorry, once again I haven't replied to any. Buta coupleof you asked if the item is the Barbie, no it is not! HAH! Like a Barbie could be a sacred item! Ya'll are blasphemers! Jk. Alright, I've decided to just stick with the farmyard challenges, because…there's nothing else really out here for me to have them do. (Sighs pathetically)

AUTHOR NEWS! I got my prom dress yesterday! It only took three hours straight of trying the blasted things on before I found one I actually liked.Holy fetch,I hate the mall. But the one I eventually got is a kind of peachy pale pink color, then it has this black, see-through material over the top of it so at some angles it looks like a chocolate brown color. Then I got a dark brown jacket thing to go over the shoulders and these cute brown shoes. I'm really excited about the dress! Too bad I'm still not excited about the date itself. April 15! blech.

* * *

"Iroh?" the girl asked.

"Yes?" Iroh answered.

"Iroh, Iroh?"

"Yes yes?"

"Iroh Iroh, bo Biroh, banana-fannah-fo-Firoh, me my mo Miroh, Iroh?" she asked, doing a little dance. (A/N: Don't do that with the names Chuck or Mitch!)

"Ummm…what?" It was night, they had all been asleep in various places in the girls giant, upstairs family room. Some had been on the overstuffed black couch, some on a mattress on the floor, and Sokka had even taken refuge on a pile of sleeping bags beneath the billiards table. But the demon spawn of a girl had very craftily doused them with water and told them that it was time for Iroh's test. Now they were walking down a deserted road without any light, awaiting her cruelty.

"Tell me Iroh, aside from drinking tea, eating and making Zuko grimace, what is your favorite pastime?" She asked.

"Well, I'm certainly not doing it now!" He said through a yawn.

"Exactly! You like to sleep! Isn't sleeping wonderful? Lying prostrate on a soft surface, completely unaware of what's going on around you? A chance for your body and mind to relax and be cleansed?"

"Yup, that sounds like sleep."

"What if I told you that…certain animals…slept standing up?" she asked. Iroh gasped. "It's sad, but it's true. And therefore, it is your duty to show these poor, misguided creatures what they're missing!" They had now stopped at yet ANOTHER fence.

"Good Gandhi! Do these fences divide your entire world?" Zuko gasped.

"Silly head." The girl said with a small chuckle, but didn't answer him. "Iroh, the creatures that need your help dwell in this field. What you do is get a running start, and plow into their sides. They'll be asleep, so they won't try and get away, and they usually stay asleep once they hit the ground."

"And what if they don't stay asleep?" He asked uncertainly.

"Than pray you didn't just push over a bull." She said with a grin. Iroh gulped and began sliding through the barbed wire.

"Wait, how long do I have to do this?" He asked.

"You have to knock over five before Jug wakes up."

"A jug will wake up? What kind of place is this?" Sokka asked.

"No, Jug is the…keeper of the cows. He's a great creature resembling a man with the power to make loud, dangerous noises with his splody stick. Also, be warned not to start speaking with him or else he will not let you go and you'll spend eternity being regaled by fictitious war stories!" She said dramatically. Everyone gulped visibly and she began to giggle. Iroh took a deep breath and began his crossing over the grassy field. It didn't take long to find what he was looking for. A 1200 lb black blob stood in front of him. He inspected it closely and was shocked to see it was chewing something.

"These aren't asleep! They're eating!" He whispered loudly.

"Yes, they _are_ asleep! And don't worry, they've already chewed that twice already!" She whispered back. Iroh took a deep breath and three steps away from the beast. He took a running start and hit the animal hard in the side with his shoulder. It made a sort of bellowing moan noise, then farted loudly. Other than that it stayed upright.

"Pick a smaller one!" the girl whispered loudly. Iroh nodded and began sifting through the sleeping bodies. He managed to find a few calves, but they were already lying down. Then he saw it. A little sickly runt of a thing. Iroh grinned and ran at it. He dug his shoulder in and sent the innocent creature flying. So great was his push that hetipped the creature right into the one next to it. The one next to it partially held it up.

"Hee hee. That one doesn't count!" The girl giggled from the fence. Iroh snorted. Then something behind him snorted. He turned slowly and found himself eye to eye with a huge creature with nasty, sharp pointy horns. It's black eyes and brindled fur glinted in the moonlight. It took a step towards Iroh, causing it's entire body to jiggle with fat and muscle. It began pawing at the ground and roared at him.

"WAS' GOIN ON OUT THERE?" A deep voice yelled from a house to the east.

"SKITTER!" The girl shrieked and they all began running in various directions. All except Iroh. He patted the bull's nose and took a few cautious steps backwards. The Bull roared again and charged. Iroh screamed and ran away with speed nobody would think him capable of. He vaulted over the barbed wire fence and shot off after the fleeing teenagers with the sounds of gunshots going off into the night sky. Once they got back to the girl's house they all collapsed in her back yard, panting heavily.

"(giggle) That was awesome!" the girl said. "Alright. Everyone get a good nights sleep. Tomorrow is Aang's challenge." She said and walked back into the house.

* * *

Morning came all to quickly for them. Unable to muster the ambition to walk back into the house and up the stairs, they had just crawled over to the trampoline and collected into the center where they slept in a warm blob.

"Good morning sleepyheads." The dreaded girl sang sweetly. "I got breakfast in the house for ya." They all jumped and swarmed to the back door. Waiting for them was the wonderful smells of pancakes, sausage and eggs. They all dug in and began snarfing. All except Aang. The girl held him back.

"I have a special breakfast for you." She said with an evil grin. Then she pulled out a box of cereal. It was chocolate coated, frosting soaked sugar bombs! WITH MARSHMALLOWS! She poured this into a big bowl for him, then drenched the whole thing in Mountain Dew.

"Eat up! This is part of your challenge." She said, passing the bowl to him. Everyone stopped their gluttonous consumption and watched him take a bite. He chewed it thoughtfully.

"Hey! This is really good!" And he then proceeded to shovel it in. The girl watched him with an evil smirk. Once breakfast was done, they all went into the front room to see what the rest of Aang's challenge was. The girl led Aang, who was twitching uncontrollably, to a wooden cedar chest and motioned for him to sit on it.

"Now, Aang. Everything is down to you. If you don't complete your test, then you and your friends go back to your world empty-handed. Do you understand?" She asked. Aang grinned and began nodding, his head became a blue and peach blur. The girl grabbed his head and forced him to stop.

"Aang. Your test is to sit completely still for one minute." There was a collective gasp.

"Are you nuts? He can't even do that when he's not filled with sugar and caffeine!" Katara said angrily.

"That's why it is a test!" The girl said, then turned back to Aang. "Now, is there anything you would like to do or say before your test begins?"

"DOYOUHEARABELLRINGING?BECAUSEIT'SREALLYLOUD!WHYISEVERYTHINGSUCHAWEIRDSHADEOFBLUE?ISN'TTHATAFUNNYWORD?BLUEBLUEBLUELBUEBLUE!WHYCAN'TIFEELMYHAIR?" The girl placed a hand over Aang's mouth and nodded solemnly.

"It's time to begin."

"Aang! Please! Try to do this! We're all depending on you!" Katara cied, rushing to his side and sobbing into his knee.

"WHATAMIDOINGAGAIN?"

"You have to hold still for an entire minute." The girl said. Aang's head cleared slightly as he gazed into Katara's clear blue eyes and tear streaked face.

"I'm ready." He said, nodding. Katara gave him a hopeful smile and took a few steps back.

"Aaaaand…begin." A minute flew by easily…until Aang realized it had only been three seconds. He felt the impeding urge to jiggle his knee. But he forced it down. Fireworks were going off behind his eyes and his throat ached to start screaming. He tried focusing on Katara, but she had lost interest and was playing with her hair. So he closed his eyes and tried to meditate. When he opened his eyes again, everyone was staring at him in awe.

"Aang…you did it!" Sokka said softly. Then they all erupted into cheers and gathered into a jumping group hug. All except the girl who glared around at them all before stomping away to get the sacred object. They heard a door open, then a few seconds later it closed again. They all stood with bated breath as the girl came back into the room, holding in her hands…a purple lava lamp. She handed this to Zuko who cradled it reverently in his hands. Then he held it above his head for them all to see and they began cheering once more.

"Yes yes, happy happy! Now get out of my sight!" The girl said, opening the front door and motioning for them to leave. They all danced out the door, still cheering.

"Wait!" Zuko said. He turned back to the girl. "We must know! What is your name?"

"I am Katie Lin!" she said, "the Nitrobasher!" They all nodded in awe as though they knew what this meant (A/N: I don't even know what it means) then turned and walked back to the road. A swirling vortex thing was waiting for them conveniently and they stepped through one at a time.

* * *

Hee hee. You can't get much more evil than that. Hope ya'll enjoyed it! Remember to drop in a review!


	7. STOP STALKING ME!

Heeeeeeelo! Alright, I know it's been forever since I've updated…or at least forever in 'Katie time'…so I just wanna say sorry 'bout that, life has been the devil. My boss threw a new work schedule at us, so I don't get home until 7:00 and by that time I want to die. But I do get Wednesdays and Fridays off! It's really going to suck though once spring break rolls around. I work full time when I don't have school, and twelve hours a day at Shield Card ain't my cherry pie. Also there has been a major animation assignment for school I've had to get finished and my car went on strike.

Tomorrow is prom! Gag me! No really, please do! But I am feeling a bit better about the date. I was beginning to think the whole thing would just be called off, because Daniel never called me, but then he did…and so I can't take the dress back…(mutters a few crude expletives). The conversation is what is making me feel a bit better. He asked (in a rather monotonous tone) if I like to paintball. I said yes. And that was about it. I did manage to get the info out that we're going at noon! We were going to go rock climbing, but one of the girls broke her finger. I still don't know who else we're going with. And it turns out that Daniel has gone with my dad paintballing before because he seemed disgusted that we don't use semi-autos. He seemed even more disgusted by the fact that we don't put hoppers on our guns either. This is going to be interesting.

* * *

"Alright…so we have the sacred object…what do we do with it?" Katara asked.

"We find a place to set up the party, invite a bunch of guests and tell my daddy to come. When he shows up being all unsuspecting, we jump out and yell SURPRISE!" Zuko said, barely able to contain his giggles of excitement.

"So where are we going to throw the party?" Aang asked. Zuko rolled his eyes upward and rubbed his chin in contemplations. He stood there like this for several minutes. Everyone began shifting from foot to foot uneasily.

"I wonder what he's thinking about?" Katara whispered.

"I'll use my mind reading abilities to find out." Sokka whispered back and placed his fingers against his temples.

_What a girl wants! What a girl needs! _

_Whatever makes me happy sets you free. _

_And I'm thanking you for knowing exactly _

_what a girl wants! What a girl needs! _

_Whatever keeps me in your arms! _

_And I'm thanking you for being there for me!_

Sokka pulled out of Zuko's mind quickly.

"DAMMIT! Now I'm going to have that song stuck in my head!" He yelled. Zuko closed his eyes and began humming it softly to himself. Aang shuddered.

"That is one messed up white boy." He said.

"Aang, you're just as white." Katara pointed out.

"Shut yo mouth foo!" Aang snapped.

"Oh no you di'n't!" Katara said, bobbing her head and shaking her finger.

"Word." Sokka said, nodding his head gravely. Zuko was still humming and began wriggling his hips to the tune in his head. Iroh had been watching the proceedings with growing disturbance and decided to intervene.

"Ahem. If you would please rejoin me, we are getting nothing accomplished doing this." He said. Everyone looked shamefully at their toes except Zuko who was still prancing around the meadow. Suddenly, three girls leapt out of the woodwork! (The audience now gasps because they have no idea who on earth _this _could be)

"Zuko! I have come to destroy you and uncle and the capture the avatarforfatherbecauseIamperfectbutdespitethisIneededtogogetthehelpofthesetwogirlswhothinkaremyfriendsbutI'mreallyonlyusingformyownsickreasons! GASP! You have recovered the sacred object! The only reason you could have done this is because father's birthday is quickly approaching and you want to get in his good favor! And the only logical step for you to take is to find a place to set up the party and invite him over! Then when he shows up all unsuspecting you and a bunch of invited guests will jump out and scream SURPRISE!" Azula said. Everybody stared at her except Zuko who was still frolicking and didn't seem to notice the sudden arrival of his little sister.

"Zuko, you motard! Are you even listening to me?" She demanded. Zuko obviously wasn't and so she began screeching and stomping her feet in a tantrum fit. Their 'friend' so occupied, Mei and Tai Li were free to their own devices.

"Mr. Iroh!" Tai Li sang, then she began cracking up "Oh man, you gotta tell these guys that one joke (giggle)…you know hee hee haw…the one with the c-c-c-candy bar and the hee hee snort hee…llama? Hyuk haw haw haw!" Tai Li collapsed on the ground and began slapping her knee and snorting. Iroh glanced helplessly at the others but they were slowly edging for the trees. Mei slid up to where Zuko was dancing and leaned in close.

"Hello Zuko." She whispered in what she thought was a seductive voice. What came out was a hoarse, grating murmur that would freeze the hardest of people to the very core of their being. It definitely was enough to penetrate the sound room in Zuko's head and he slowly opened his eyes and looked over at the pale girl whose face was only a few inches from his own. Zuko screamed, but it was quickly muffled as Mei glomped him. Katara froze mid edge and her head slowly pivoted on the spot. At the sight of Zuko in Mei's creepy hands, Katara began prowling forward menacingly. Mei was saved from Katara's wrath, however, by the arrival of twenty or so rabid fangirls who had answered the call of the 'Zuko has just been glomped by a girl that isn't you' alarm. Each one sported a tuft of hair that they claimed to be Zuko's and they began slapping Mei with it like a fly whip. Zuko crawled from the center of the catfight and stood by his friends.

"This turned out to be quite an eventful day!" Aang said happily as they watched Azula who had reached the peak of her tantrum, Tai Li who had begun hyperventilating at the memory of Iroh's joke and Mei who was being beaten mercilessly (mind you, she was still able to keep her noble doom and gloom air) by a mob of sobbing girls.

"I think that we should run away since they are so occupied." Iroh said wisely. The five of them linked arms and began skipping away from the conflict, because as I've said before, skipping is fun. If everybody did it then there would be world peace.

"So I guess we're back where we started." Sokka said. "We still need to figure out where we're going to throw your dad's party!"

"Oh, that's easy! We'll do it at the palace! That's the last place my daddy will be expecting to see me!" Zuko said, tossing the lava lamp from hand to hand.

"That's for sure." Iroh said under his breath. But just then, Azula, Tai Li and Mei (who's eyes were nearly gouged out by this time) jumped them…again.

"You won't get away that easily!" Azula hissed. "Hand over the sacred object!"

"Never!" Zuko cried dramatically.

"Aw, come on!" Azula whined.

"Make me!" Zuko said, crossing his arms.

"I'm going to tell on you!" Azula cried.

"That's 'cause you're a daddy's girl!"

"No I'm not!"

"DADDY'S GIRL! DADDY'S GIRL!"

"KNOCK IT OFF ZUKO!"

"I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!" Zuko said holding his finger an inch from Azula's arm.

"I SAID KNOCK IT OFF!" Azula screamed.

"Wow, this is disturbing." Iroh muttered, watching the siblings as they continued to drive each other mad. Katara sighed and stepped between the two of them.

"Azula! You are a heartless evil creature! Zuko! You are doomed to remain forever in her shadow unless she kills you first. Now get it right!" Katara said.

"Oh yeah!" The both of them said in unison.

"GET THE OTHERS!" Azula shrieked and her two friends managed to subdue the other four within a blink of an eye because they're just that good! (okay, they could barely take on Katara in the last episode…but in this story they're that good)

"Now Zuko. Give me the sacred object or else I will be forced to take it from you." Azula said menacingly.

"Psh. I'm not afraid of you!" Zuko scoffed.

"What do you mean? I'm a prodigy! I can create lightning and my firebending is as hot as a welding torch! Not only that but I care nothing about the preciousness of human life and my bangs are cool! What do you think you have that I don't?" Azula demanded.

"A fanbase." Zuko said and grabbed Tai Li. He gave her a big wet kiss and immediately the fangirls swarmed. Once again the little group of questers was able to get away thanks to rabid teens.

By the magic of skipping they were able to get back to where they had left Zuko's ship within a matter of seconds. But the ship wasn't there!

"What the hell?" Zuko yelled, looking out across the empty harbor.

"Oh yeah, your ship and crew were destroyed in the season finale!" Katara said, slapping her forehead.

"Oh yeah…wait…huh?" Zuko asked.

"They don't exist anymore in this story." Sokka said.

"That's stupid!" Zuko said with a snort.

"So now what are we supposed to do?" Aang asked.

Just then, Appa flew down and lit on the ground next to them and Momo chattered from his back.

"APPA! MOMO!" Everyone cried in unison.

"Where happened to you guys?" Aang demanded, grabbing Momo and hugging him tightly.

FLASHBACK

Sokka woke up in the middle of the night, his stomach gurgled and lurched unpleasantly.

"So…hungry!" he whined. He tried to sniff out the food bag, but Aang had hidden it particularly good this time. "Must…eat…cough" Just then he noticed two tennis ball eyes glimmering up at him in the darkness.

"Your fate has been prolonged long enough!" And he lunged. Momo easily dodged to the side and gave Sokka a very deep wedgie to occupy the teenager. Then he flew away. Sokka managed to pick himself clear after a few minutes and sat down heavily.

"Still…so…hungry!" He whimpered. He heard something grumble behind him and turned slowly. Appa was staring at him with disproval. Then the giant bison opened his mouth and breathed on Sokka. The overpowering scent of the creatures breath was enough to send Sokka to the ground. Just before Sokka lost consciousness, he saw Appa take off into the night.

END FLASHBACK

"And you thought I ate them." Sokka said accusingly to Katara.

"I never thought you at them." She said defensively.

"Well somebody did!" He said.

"They were mislead." Zuko said sadly. They all hung their heads in sadness at the gullibility of some people. "Alright! Let's go throw my daddy a birthday party!" Zuko said, clapping his hands to get their attention. They all climbed onto Appa's back and soared away into the beautiful noon day sky.

* * *

Hope you liked it! Please review! Also check out my deviant account! I've got a few more pics up! 


	8. GAH!

Wow. It sure has been a while since I've written anything. Sorry about that. I have no excuse except laziness and actual schoolwork. Seriously, this is the first time all year I've been scrambling to finish assignments…come to think of it, it's also the first time I've had homework. It's been a good year. On Thursday I went to the Salt Lake Community College Multimedia Arts Festival! It sucked. I was crammed in the front seat of a car between my teacher and Ryan (who told me I needed to lose weight. I knew he was just kidding, but I wanted to slug him!), then this Chad guy kept hugging me (shudders) and Sarah was as annoying as always (shudders again). But the good thing was that my animation won second place in the college 3-D category! Woo hoo! Of course there must have only been two entries and it was kinda sad what I lost to. But I still got a cool glass trophy and some software I'll never use! And who can forget those great t-shirts that said "I create my own reality" It's funny 'cause it's true!

* * *

"Ssshschk Roger roger, this is your captain speaking. We will be landing shortly. Please put your tray tables in an upright secure position and fasten your seatbelts. Ssshchk over." Aang mumbled into his hand.

"Aang, please stop it! You're really starting to creep me out!" Sokka whined. Everyone else was slouched and dozing around the saddle. It had been five hours of straight flying, Sokka was the only one still aware of his surroundings, but this was mostly due to the fact that he drank 32 oz. of Sako before taking off. (heh heh. Sokka drinking Sako. I'm so clever.)

"Wait! We're almost there?" Zuko demanded, sitting up straight and crawling towards the front to peer over the side. The firenation lay before them in all its fiery glory of fire. Zuko squeaked and clapped his hands.

"You don't think your father will be mad, do you?" Katara asked nervously, crawling up beside him.

"Naw, he loves me." Zuko said waving his hand in dismissal. "I remember this one time we went on a father son camping trip, we ran barefoot through a stream and caught a huge fish. Then we skipped through the meadow and slept under the stars. It was great. We did stuff like that all the time!"

"No you didn't." Iroh said from his corner.

"Yes we did! It was a highlight of my childhood!" Zuko said angrily.

"Um, I think you created a delusion out of the dark hours you spent alone in your childhood. Nothing like that ever happened." Iroh pointed. Zuko snorted.

"Fine. We'll just ask daddy at the party. You'll see!" Zuko said.

"I wonder what Ozai is doing right now?" Sokka said airily, gazing down at the palace.

"Oh, he's very busy. He's probably down there right now swamped with the responsibility of running the worlds most powerful nation." Zuko said, staring down at his home in awe.

* * *

"heh heh. Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids!" Ozai chuckled.

* * *

THAT NIGHT

Ozai walked through the marble passageway towards his throne room. The hard soles of his shoes echoed around him and the faint light of the torches flickered eerily. Somewhere in the depths of the hall he heard the slight sound of footsteps and muffled whispers.

"WHO'S THERE?" He demanded in his grating voice. There was scurrying of feet up ahead. Ozai lit a fireball in the palm of his head and crept forward cautiously. The door to the throne room stood slightly ajar. The sentries that were supposed to be standing guard were gone. He could hear whispers in the room. He was so freaked out that he almost wet himself. But then he remembered his status as the most powerful firebender in the world. With a deep, cleansing breath he jumped forward and kicked the door. It collapsed inward with a deafening crash. The throne room was pitch black and nothing stirred within. Ozai took a few steps forward when suddenly, all hell broke loose.

"SURPRISE!" The room was suddenly illuminated in brilliant light and fifty people began screaming the firenations version of the 'happy birthday song'. But since this fic is rated K+ I dare not type the lyrics.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Ozai demanded in a very T-rated way.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!" Zuko shrieked. He skipped forward and threw his arms around Ozai's neck.

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CREEPY LITTLE SNOT!" Ozai growled, trying to pry Zuko's arms away. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!"

"Oh, I knew you'd be happy to see me!" Zuko beamed.

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" Ozai yelled as everyone continued to sing his praises.

"It's your birthday silly head! I'm throwing you a party because I love you soooooo much!" Zuko said, leering into his fathers eyes and batting his lashes. Ozai took a step backwards and looked out at all his guests.

"WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?" He yelled for the sake of keeping his dialogue consistent.

"I don't know most of them. We just invited everyone who has ever appeared on the show." He smiled at the giant group of people. Jet and his crew were sneaking around vandalizing the flags, Suki and Yue had started a cat fight on one of the tables and Jun was chasing down someone who was, oddly enough, foaming at the mouth.

"Um…huh?" Ozai asked. Just then Zhao's half fish-eaten corpse stepped forward and bowed before the firelord.

"Dark lord! I have remained loyal to you! If it weren't for that damn Potter boy…" Zuko cut him off from saying anything else by shrieking and kicking Zhao in the face.

"HEY!" Ozai yelled.

"And look daddy! I bought you a cake!" Zuko giggled and pulled his father towards a lumpy…thing. Ozai's eyes went shiny. Cake was his weakness. He leaned in and inhaled deeply. But it didn't smell quite like cake. He dipped his finger in the frosting and took a cautious taste of it. It tasted like frosting, but something was wrong. As he stood there contemplating the cake something exploded from the center, scattering browned cabbage in every direction.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Katara screamed. Ozai screamed. And the cabbage man from the depths of the crowd screamed. Everyone froze at the inhuman, mortified sound of the cabbage man's scream. They all turned slowly and stared at him. His eyes blazed red and an eerie breeze caused his hair to flutter beneath his cap.

"My cabbages." He growled. "MY CABBAGES!" He screamed and the whole palace shook. "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL! BLASPHEMER!" He yelled, pointing at Katara dramatically.

"Why? He's the one that stole your cabbages in the first place!" Katara said, pointing over at Sokka who winced. The cabbage man's head slowly turned towards Sokka.

"Thanks Katara." Sokka grumbled.

"PREPARE YOURSELF INFIDEL!" The cabbage man yelled.

"…erm."

"Taste the fury of my…COLESLAW CONUNDRUM!" Cabbage man screamed. Nasty long strips of soggy coleslaw slithered magically from his hands and wrapped around Sokka.

"You think that's enough to stop me?" Sokka mocked. With one mighty slurp he…slurped…up the…um…yeah. Leave me alone!

"LEMUR LABOTOMY!" Sokka screamed, grabbing Momo and hurling him at the cabbage man. Momo latched on to the man's head and clung on for dear life, his tiny claws digging in the tender flesh. The cabbage man screeched in pain and yanked Momo from his head. He panted heavily and glared at Sokka. Everything stood still as he calculated his strategy in his head:

_He is much more powerful than I ever could have thought! I never expected in a million years that he could wield a lemur so flawlessly! I remember the first time I saw a lemur! It mocked my cabbages and oh how I loathed it! I have sworn to hate all lemurs since then! But this one was so great! And so powerful was its wielder! I never could have expected it! Since my childhood I had always thought lemurs to be harmless! Except for that one that mocked my cabbages! Oh how I hated it! How I hate all that mock my cabbages! Like that lemur from my childhood! The one not as powerful as the one that was wielded by the young man whose power I underestimated!_

And so he continued to prattle on inside his own head. Everyone stood completely still for a whole five minutes so the cabbage man could have his little dialogue. Finally, he made his next blow.

"SALAD SERENDIPITY!" The cabbage man hollered. The cabbage on the floor around them suddenly glowed…green. It came to life and shot towards Sokka, wrapping him in a ball of sliminess.

_Wow! I haven't seen a move like that since my childhood when a cabbage mocked my hairstyle! Oh how I loathed that cabbage!…_

And I won't put you through anther monologue, so moving on. Sokka growled and reached for his machete with agonizing slowness. He finally wrapped his fingers around the hilt and swung it with a dramatic yell. (various stills are now shown of Sokka slashing at the cabbage with the background motion-blurred and multi-colored behind him). Sokka's chest heaved and sweat dribbled down the side of his face. He slowly reached for his boomerang and everyone gasped. But before he could deal his move, there was a strangled cry from behind him. He turned and there was Zuko. Tears were streaming down the young prince's face.

"YOU'VE RUINED MY DADDY'S PARTY!" He cried, then dashed from the room. Sokka glanced over at Ozai who shrugged. Sokka shrugged back and pulled out his boomerang.

"BOOMERANG BONAZA!"

* * *

Zuko dashed through the halls of the palace up to his room only to see that his father had cleared all Zuko's stuff to make room for his Star Wars collection. Zukko sobbed and collapsed onto a chair shaped like Darth Vader's mask. A few moments later, Iroh knocked softly on the door and stepped in.

"Do you want to talk?" He asked softly.

"The party is ruined!" Zuko wailed and buried his face into his knees.

"Actually, I think it's going quite well. You should have seen the joy onmy brother'sface when the cabbage man dismembered Sokka." Iroh sat down beside Zuko and wrapped his arm around his shoulders.

"But it's not what I wanted!" Zuko moaned.

"Sometimes in life, we don't always get what we want. It's like the chicken who longed to be a bird." Iroh said wisely. Zuko sniffled.

"But…a chicken is already a bird."

"There! You see!" Iroh beamed.

"Huh?"

"Actually, I just came up to tell you that I talked to your father."

"And?"

"And you never went on that camping trip! You're just a crazy freak! In your face! I was right! You were wrong! Go uncle! It's yo' birthday!" Iroh said, doing a victory dance.

"Aw crap." Zuko moaned.

"I'm going back down to the party now." Iroh said and left. Zuko sat alone on the chair, tears still streaming down his face when suddenly, a group of girls began climbing into the room from the window.

"I'M HERE TO COMFORT YOU!" One shrieked

"CRY ON MY SHOULDER YOU POOR DARLING!" Screamed another. Anything else was undistinguishable in the uproar of teen girls carrying bottles to catch Zuko's tears. Zuko whimpered and ran back to the party.

* * *

Eh. That wasn't very long. But hey, it was somethin'! Right? And sorry, I couldn't help but make fun of anime dueling shows. They just aren't my steam. Please remember to review! 


	9. LOOK OVER THERE!

Holy Cah-rap. Looking back, it has been far too long since I've updated! I haven't even thought about where I'm taking this story next, but I guess I'll just start writing and ideas will come to me. That's the glory of being random, right! For the many many people who don't read my Deviant journals and probably don't care one way or the other, my baby horse was born on the last day of May! He is soooo cute! There's a pic of him posted and I command you to check it out! His name is Nibs. I was planning on calling him Donas, but my family outvoted me. I'm still thinking of reconsidering the name though, it doesn't seem to fit him. Maybe I'll call him Spike! That would be awesome. Or Spot because he has this adorable white spot on his belly. Ahem, anyways, that's enough stalling. Shall I get on with it then?

* * *

When Zuko returned to the party he found himself in the midst of utter chaos (YAY! CHAOS!). Katara was making out withSmellerbee under the table, Sokka was a twitching mess from his fight with the cabbage merchant and half the guests were busy playing piñata. Only, since there was no piñata or baseball bat on hand they instead tied Iroh to a chandelier and took turns whacking him with a casserole spoon. Zuko took a step to save his uncle, but the old man seemed to be enjoying himself so Zuko turned to the punch bowl instead. A few people managed to scrounge together a few musical instruments and began plunking out a harsh tune from the stage. Zuko glanced over in that direction as he took a sip of punch and what he saw caused him to spew sugary goodness all over a squeaky little magistrate. Lieutenant Ji and three other crewmembers were jamming on the stage while the boilerman and helmsman did an interpretive dance to the music.

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!" Zuko screamed at the stage. Ji glanced over at him and grinned.

"I got over it!" He yelled and began bobbing his head as the band started playing 'Oklahoma'.

"I LOVE THIS SONG!" Iroh shrieked happily as he swayed four feet above the ground. His eyes lit up even further when Jun stepped up to take her turn with the spoon. Zuko shuddered and turned around only to find himself face to wrinkly face with an old woman. Her eyes twinkled beneath her thick eyelashes and she stared him down for two whole seconds before Zuko finally coughed nervously.

"Yes?" He asked.

"You spewed your punch!" She said matter-of-factly.

"Erm, yes. Sorry. But it was my punch and I'll spew it as I must." He said. The woman laughed and suddenly dropped to her knees. There were a few splatters of spit and punch that had bounced off the magistrates face. The woman peered closely at these.

"I can tell your fortune from the drops of punch issued from your mouth!" She announced in a cracked voice. She rubbed her chin thoughtfully and made little 'hmm' sounds. Zuko was about to edge away when she gasped dramatically. She grabbed onto the front of his shirt and pulled herself to her feet, yanking him by the collar so that their noses were only a few centimeters apart.

"I have seen the future!" She whispered. A choked sob wracked her body and she buried her face into the sleeve of her kimono for a moment to regain her composure before going on, "My boy, you must watch yourself. For…It's so horrible!" She began sobbing.

"What is it! What did you see?" Zuko demanded. Her breath came in gasps and she swallowed thickly.

"Your left shoelace!" She breathed.

"Excuse me?"

"YOUR LEFT SHOELACE! THE FUTURE IS BLEAK FOR YOUR LEFT SHOELACE!" She screamed into his face.

"Um…I wear sexy boots, I don't even have shoelaces." Zuko said, cocking an eyebrow.

"Promise me you'll keep it safe!" She said in a hoarse whisper, her brown eyes wide with fear, "Promise me Johnny boy!"

"My name's not-"

"PROMISE ME!"

"I PROMISE!" Zuko squeaked and tried to shrink away.

"Very good. And remember to pay my compliments to the cat." Wu (if you haven't figured out that it's her yet, you are a sad creature indeed) said cheerfully and patted his cheek before skipping away.

"THIS IS A GREAT PARTY ZORAM!" Ozai yelled above the roar of the crowd as people began filing up behind him in a Conga line.

"WHAT THE CRAP IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! NOBODY HAS GOTTEN MY NAME RIGHT THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER EXCEPT THE FRIGGEN AUTHOR!" Zumo screamed. Just then there was an almighty crash as someone dressed in black hurtled through the window.

(Authoress pauses to eat a hostess donette)

The black clothed figure stood dramatically with his back to everyone, then slowly he turned. everyone gasped. It was the Blue Spirit.

"Wait! I though Ziker was the Blue Spirit!" Aang yelled.

"WHO ARE YOU!" Zuko screamed, pointing an accusatory finger at the intruder.

"I'm your stunt double you dipgnat!" The person said, pulling off the mask. Indeed, the person beneath the mask was not Zuko. The double was in fact James Bamford (authoress' knees turn to jelly).

"Oh, yeah…" Zuko said slowly, rubbing his chin, then he turned to Zhao and shrieked,"TOLD YA I WASN'T THE BLUE SPIRIT!"

"Wait, someone else does your stunts?" Teo asked with a snort.

"Yeah (Zuko's fanbase drops ten points) Erm…I mean no (his fanbase rises seven points) In fact, I do Appa's stunts too! (his fanbase blasts through the ceiling)"

"That is why I'm here Zoki! You never give me any credit! And so I am here to challenge you to a duel!" James yelled. He took a step forward and slapped Zuko in the face with the blue spirit mask.

"I concur!" Zuko said.

"I think they have medicine for that." James whispered. Zuko shrugged and slapped his double in the face with a napkin.

"Wait! You can't have a duel! Sokka had a duel in the last chapter!" Aang said, stepping between the two.

"So what?" They both asked.

"It would be redundant! And besides that the author doesn't know where she's going with this!" Aang said.

"Well, a duel was challenged! Somebody has to win!" James yelled.

"I have an idea!" Teo shouted.

"You're not a key character, you opinion doesn't matter!" Zuko growled. Teo's bottom lip quivered and he looked over at Aang with teary eyes.

"Sorry dude, but he's right." Aang said with a shrug.

"Well come here and I'll whisper it to you, then you can proclaim it as your own idea!" Teo said. Aang shrugged again and leaned down next to Teo's chair.

"A little brown-haired voice in my ear thinks we should have a Zuko contest! Whoever is the best Zuko wins!" Aang said and the crowd cheered.

"YES!" Zuko cried, pumping his fist in the air.

"Don't underestimate me man!" James said, pointing at him threateningly.

"Bring on the contest. I'm not afraid!" Zuko says boldly.

Screen fades.

* * *

FIX YOUR SCREEN! Then review. I'm totally open for ideas on challenges to differentiate the 'Zuko' winner. I'll only update if you give me REALLY good ideas, or if I come up with something better myself. Thankies! 


	10. Hee hee! Made ya look!

Well, I wasn't really planning on updating so quickly…I was actually planning on putting it off for another week or two. But someone (coughmelcoughcough)seems to feel the need to ask me EVERY DAY when I'm going to post the next chapter…NO! IT'S NOT SOMEONE I WORK WITH (looks around shiftily). Anyways……I drew a lot of inspiration from the lovely reviews left by the even lovelier reviewers (unless you're a boy, then you're not lovely, you're just pretty!). So thank you to you! Especially ChatterPuncher who pretty much holds all responsibility for the way this chapter turns out! YAY!

Anyways, life news…THE SCOTTISH FESTIVAL WAS THIS WEEKEND! LET THE WOOT MADNESS BEGIN! I actually was only there long enough to get a sausage roll…and a tapestry…and a griffin dagger…and this wicked awesome 'dungeon guardian' blade thingamajig! I swear, I got more Scottish stuff in the park than I did on my ten day trip to Scotland! Anyways…IT WAS NICE CHATTIN' WITH Y'ALL! We should do it again sometime! Hmm…I think that sausage roll was tainted.

* * *

Since never in the history of mankind had anything so salient as a Zuko contest been attempted, it took nearly ten minutes to get everything figured out…especially since Jeong Jeong showed up with cookies offering a nine-minute distraction! Finally it was decided that the best people to judge were the flock of Zuko fangirls that lurked in the shadows. They were sat chained and shock-collared at one end of the great hall while Zuko and the authoress' future husband…er…James…stood at the other. Standing in the very center was Aang who commanded everyone's attention as he prepared to announce the first contest.

"Um…I got nothing." He said with a shrug. Everyone glanced around and began half murmuring possible ideas for competition material.

"Uh…what's your deepest secret?" Song put in. Everybody perked up and quietly agreed that that was a good question. Then attention was riveted back on the contestants as they thought of their answers.

"Um…my…middle name…is…Sylvia." Zuko mumbled, then blushed furiously.

"Sylvia?" Jet scoffed.

"MY FATHER IS A VERY CRUEL PERSON! OKAY?" Zuko shrieked.

"Guilty!" Ozai giggled, raising his hand.

"What about you, Bamf?" Aang asked cheerfully.

"Well…my right armpit sweats more than my left." James said with a shrug. The fangirls sighed.

"That is soooo manly!" One of them simpered. Then she was zapped by the shock collar.

"Ooh! I got the next challenge! Let me down!" Iroh yelled from the ceiling. Someone lowered him and he immediately dashed out of the room. A few seconds later he returned with the Sungi horn.

"The real prince Zuko has had music lessons from the age of seven months!" Iroh announced with a grin. Zuko groaned and slapped his forehead. The horn was shoved into his hands despite his death glaresand he raised it to his lips as he tried to think of a song. Everyone seemed to read his mind and they all began shouting out their favorite tunes.

"GIVE SAID THE LITTLE STREAM!" Someone yelled.

"SANDMAN!" Another someone shouted.

"YOU GOTTA DO 'FIRE COMIN' OUTTA A MONKEY'S HEAD!" Someone actually named Someone screamed. And more shouting was emitted as the authoress has neither energy nor resources within arms length to come up with any other songs. Finally, Zuko settled and began playing a complicated concerto in E minor by the worlds most famed and insane composer. It was absolutely beautifully timed and intoned. The notes floated as smoothly as cream through the air, dulling the senses and filling a dark void in everyone that they didn't even know was there until listening to that sweet bucket of classical goodness. The crowed cheered ravenously when he was finished and he handed the horn over to James with a smug expression on his face. James put the horn to his lips and belted out 'Play That Funky Music White Boy'. Afterwards, it seemed the madness of the foaming guy had spread. Slavering people were dropping left and right.

"Well, that was fun! Any ideas for the next round?" Aang asked glancing around expectantly. More grumbles and awkward shuffling ensued.

"Eh, just make 'em fight!" An ancient fisherman barked out.

"Yeah, that sounds about right!" Someone else shouted.

"Er, okay. But this isn't a duel! It's just a fight!" Aang said quickly. Zuko grunted and turned to James.

_Dramatic drumroll! Various stills and close-ups as Zuko and James glare! Even more close-ups! More drumroll! Sweeping shot of the gathered crowd! A few more close-up stills!_

"You stand no chance against me! I am going to unleash some mad ninja funk on your fundament!" Zuko growled, half crouching in a defensive pose.

"Don't underestimate me, winky! I was a stunt double on Catwoman!" James snarled.

"Wait! What? You mean that wasn't Halley Barrie pulling a Jackie Chan?" Zuko asked, alarmed.

"Of course not! How could her skinny butt do any of those flips and junk?" James scoffed.

"But that means…you were wearing that…ripped leather...OH DUDE! THAT IS SICK! I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU NOW!" Zuko gagged.

"Hey! It's cool bro'! You can ask all the guys here and I bet all of them have tried on women's clothing at least once! AM I RIGHT?" James yelled turning to the crowd. There was an awkward silence and slowly, Aang raised his hand. This seemed to encourage the rest of the male audience and soon Zuko was the only one with his hands at his side.

"I'M WEARING WOMEN'S CLOTHING RIGHT NOW!" Ozai hollered and began pulling up the hem of his robe.

"THAT'S OKAY DAD! We don't need to see!" Zuko shrieked, shielding his eyes.

"Anyways, what were we doing?" James asked.

"I dunno, fighting or something." Zuko shrugged. James nodded slowly.

"On second thought, I don't really feel like fighting. Do you?" He asked.

"To tell you the truth…not really." Zuko said.

"Eh, cool beans. Let's go discuss Chaucer!" James said, nodding towards the door.

"'kay" Zuko shrugged and they walked out with their arms draped companionably around each others shoulders.

"Wait! So who won?" Iroh asked awkwardly. Just then Azula and her two friends crashed into the throne room from one of the stain glass windows.

"WHERE IS ZUKO? I WILL EAT HIS BRAINS!" She shrieked.

"Shut up, sweety! We're trying to decide who wins the Zuko contest!" Ozai said crossly.

"Oh." Azula looked down at the ground and smudged her toe over the granite tiling awkwardly. Slowly, she lifted her hand and covered her left eye.

"I like cheesypoofs!" She said in a nasally voice. Everyone gasped, fangirls squealed in delight, then were consequentially shocked to within an inch of their lives, and Mei tackled Azula to the ground.

"I guess she wins!" Aang said with a shrug.

"THAT PRINCE IS MINE!" Katara shrieked and leapt at Mei. The girls rolled around on the ground, trying to pin one another and gouge out any eye that came within range of their fingernails. The surrounding male audience (being, of course, totally perverted) cheered and began throwing frosting from the cabbages onto the catfight until the two teenage girls were writhing in a sticky mess in the attempts to utterly destroy the other.

"WOW! THIS'S THE BEST BURTHDAY EVER!" Ozai slurred.

"Just wait until you get your present brother dear!" Iroh grinned. Ozai gasped and clapped his hands in excitement. Azula had been watching the catfight dully, but she brightened at this.

"Yes daddy, just wait until you see what I got you! In fact…" Azula glanced over to the door to make sure Zuko hadn't returned "…I'll go get your present right now!" She dashed from the room without further ado.

"If I were a hot angsty teen prince, where would I hide the ultimate treasure?" Azula mumbled to herself as she prowled through the halls of the palace. She peered up at the ceiling and rubbed her chin in contemplation. After a moment she slapped her forhead. "Duh!" Azula slipped into the rec room and grabbed the lava lamp from the coffee table in front of the t.v..

* * *

Mmmm…My drivers license smells like money! 


	11. runs away

Heh heh. I feel ashamed for putting off writing this next chapter for so long. In fact, I have no plans for this chapter at all. I just hope it turns out okay. I should probably be attempting once more to register for college classes right now, especially since school starts in a couple of weeks, but online registration has been driving me insane and at this point I really don't give a flip if I go to school or not. So…here ya go.

Thank you reviewers, as always I love your guts!

PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK

Azula grinned at her cleverness as she walked back to the party with the lava lamp in hand. Then, all of a sudden, a door opened and Zuko walked into the hallway. He turned and stared at Azula for a moment, then it finally registered that she was holding _his _sacred object.

"Hey!" He whined.

"Foolish mortal! Did you really think I would let you have the glory and honor of giving this gift to father?" Azula sneered, waving the lava lamp around.

"Erm…maybe." He shrugged.

"Oh…really?" Azula asked, her eyes softening.

"Well…yeah. I mean, you can't be purely insanely evil! I mean, you're my sister and that must mean something to you! It means something to me." Zuko said softly, pleading her with his eyes.

"You…you really care about me?" Azula asked, her voice cracking every so slightly and her eyes shimmering.

"Of course I do! I love you Lala!" He said breaking down completely.

"I love you too, Zuzu!" She wailed and threw her arms around his neck. Zuko snatched the lava lamp from her hand with a cackle and dashed away down the hall.

"SUCKER!" He shouted over his shoulder.

"ZUKO! YOU (censored…censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored… censored…) GET YOUR (censored) BACK HERE BEFORE I (censored) THROW YOUR (censored) TO THE (censored)!" Azula shrieked. Then she ran after him. Unfortunately for Zuko, he was a slow runner and it didn't take long for her to catch up to him and tackle him to the ground. The lava lamp slipped from his hands and rolled down the hallway. Azula leapt to her feet and made to take off after it, but Zuko grabbed her ankle and brought her back down. The two of them tumbled around for a moment, finally Zuko managed to pin Azula down and did the only thing he could think of to render her helpless.

"Gootchy gootchy goo!" He crooned and dug his fingers into her ribs. Azula thrashed and giggled until she finally passed out.

"VICTORY!" Zuko yelled, throwing his hands into the air. "Wait…what was I doing?" He asked himself and stroked his chin in contemplation. Azula took the opportunity to come back to conciousness. Of course, nobody knows how she knew to take this opportunity, but Azula is just amazing that way I guess. She scrambled to her feet, grabbed the treasure and ran into the party before Zuko realized what was going on.

"Hey!" he whined and ran after her.

"DADDY DADDY DADDY! HERE'S YOUR PRESENT! HURRY TAKE IT!" Azula yelled, waving the lava lamp above her head. Zuko entered the room just as Azula thrust the present into Ozai's hands and hid behind him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Zuko screamed and collapsed to his knees. Ozai inspected the lamp closely and then glared at Azula.

"This is what you thought to give me? Your beloved father? Are you trying to kill me? Is that what this is? You want the throne for yourself you pitiful little wretch?" He demanded, "I'M ALLERGIC TO THE COLOR PURPLE!" He screamed and hurled the lava lamp at a wall where it burst and fell to the floor with a splash. He whirled on Azula, his eyes blazing.

"GO TO YOUR ROOM YOUNG LADY! YOUR GROUNDED FROM EVIL FOR A WHOLE WEEK! AND YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT INHERITING ZUKO'S BIRTHRIGHT UNTIL YOU CAN SINCERELY APOLOGIZE!" Ozai screamed, several veins popping from various places on his neck and face. Azula sniveled pitifully.

"Y-y-yes d-d-daddy." She mumbled and ran from the room crying. Ozai sighed and rubbed his eyes, mumbling something like: "kids these days" then turned to Zuko.

"And what did you bring for me?" He asked, quirking an eyebrow. Zuko stared at his father, dumbfounded. He jumped to his feet and glanced fearfully around the room, hoping for some kind of inspiration. And then he got it. He grinned evilly (fangirls swoon) and bowed dramatically to his father.

"Oh father, great ruler of the worlds greatest nation and soon the world itself. I have traveled far, across dimensions and through places that would make anyone in their right mind squirm. And all to bring to you that which you most desire. That which you most want…THE AVATAR!" Zuko picked Aang up and shoved him into Ozai's arms. Ozai stared at Aang in astonishment for a moment.

"You mean _this _is the Avatar?" he demanded.

"Yup." Aang said cheerfully, kicking his feet.

"ZUKO! HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU CARED ABOUT US!" Katara shrieked.

"Care about you? First you tied me up and molested me! Then you guys left me for dead to the lion thing in the woods! Then you laughed when I had to touch that psychotic girls lightening fence! When have I ever given the slightest inclination that I even like you guys!" Zuko demanded.

"Oh…yeah…I forgot…Okay, carry on then!" Katara said, waving her hand at Ozai.

"Erm…" Ozai said, at a loss as to what he was supposed to actually do with the avatar. Just then, the door burst open and a bunch of little girls ran in. The were led by Meng and they were screaming at the top of their lungs.

"RELEASE OUR BELOVED!" Koko shouted, stomping her foot.

"THE ONE WITH THE EARS! HE IS MINE! IT HAS BEEN PROPHESIED!" Meng screamed.

"NO! HE'S MINE! HE MUST FATHER MY BABIES!" A little girl hollered, shoving Meng out of her way.

"YOU'RE ONLY EIGHT!" Meng screamed and shoved back. And thus, one of the greatest battles in playground history commenced (not including the event of 1994 when I single-handedly beat the crap out of Todd Haws, Jacob Bahr and Fred Alvarado in one recess, but that is a tale for another day). Everyone stopped and watched the gaggle of little girls beat the tar out of each other with alarming ferocity. One girl had her teeth locked onto the arm of another while a seven-year-old brought a metal chair down on top of Koko's head. Just as one little Kyoshin was about to give Meng a pile-driver, there was a crash of shattering glass as a little girl with pale eyes and dark brown hair burst through one of the un-shattered windows and landed on the floor where she posed dramatically.

"WHO ARE YOU!" Everyone cried at once. The little girl sighed.

"I'm Toph! I joined the series a few months ago, but the stupid authoress hasn't thought to bring me in yet."

"Aw, cool! What do you do?" Aang cried in delight from Ozai's arms.

"I'm your earthbending teacher you moron!" Toph said.

"I can earthbend?" Aang asked delightedly.

"Yeah, sure." Toph said, waving her hand at him. Aang pumped his fist in the air.

"Anyways, I am here because all of you are wrong! Aang belongs to me!" Toph said, jabbing her thumb at her chest.

"You mean, you're in love with me too?" Aang asked hopefully.

"No…it means I have contract to your soul." Toph said, pulling a legal document from her shirt pocket. "It's standard Earth-Sifu procedure. So he legally belongs to me. Unless you want to be sued, you should put him down." She said smugly. Ozai glanced at Aang.

"Erm…" And Ozai actually had to start thinking! While this great Odyssey took place, Meng took a cautious step forward and peeked into Toph's face.

"What?" She asked, annoyedly. Meng squeaked.

"We both have dark hair! We're both the same height! We're both the same age! Despite the fact that we have no further resemblances and are from different sides of the world, I think we could be…TWINS!" Meng said. Toph quirked an eyebrow.

"Hurry! What's your birthday?" Meng asked excitedly.

"October fifth." Toph said.

"Mine's July seventh! But I think I've been lied to! WE ARE TWINS!" Meng shrieked and threw her arms around Toph's shoulders.

"Woah. That was weird." Sokka muttered to Zuko. Zuko jumped.

"Hey! I thought you were incapable of movement after what the cabbage man did to you!" Zuko said in astonishment. Sokka shrugged.

"I haven't let cabbages get the best of me yet." He said, watching as Toph did everything in her power to dispatch Meng's arms from around her throat. "What happened to that James guy?" Sokka asked.

"I dunno. Some crazy girl with burgundy hair burst in just as we started playing tiddly-winks. The next thing I knew she had him over her shoulder and she jumped out the window. All these broken windows are going to cost my dad a butt-load." Zuko said, watching as the Kyoshin girls began blundering around. Now that Aang legally belonged to someone, their dreams were shattered and they had no further purpose in life.

"This is the weirdest birthday party I've ever been to." Sokka said, glancing over at Ozai who was still holding Aang bridal style. Aang himself was talking animatedly and grinning like a goofball.

"Yes…yes it is." Zuko said.

PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK

Okay, I don't think that chapter was all that funny. Hopefully I'll come back to it and think it's funny later. And even more hopefully a few people out there found it funny. Next chapter is probably going to be the concluding chapter! Enter your reviews now! Let's see if we can make it to…eh, we'll say 200! The person that gives me the 200th review for this story gets me to write a oneshot of their choosing! THAT'S THE PRIZE! REVIEW NOW!


	12. Is trampled by unsatisfied masses END

Wow. Today has been one of the worst Saturdays that I can call upon in memory. I had plans of sleeping in until nine, but instead I woke at six and couldn't get back to sleep. Then I had to go into work even though it is my day off. I stayed at work from ten o'clock this morning until five thirty at night without a lunch break. And it wasn't my regular day of sitting on my butt clicking my mouse, it was a day spent completely dismantling and reassembling a dog pen…along with my boss. I swear if that 69-year-old man tried to make one more move at me I was going to clobber him with the hammer! He even tried to talk me into having dinner with him…alone…and going to Las Vegas with him…alone. I finally just walked out before he tried dragging me into his truck. I'm not looking forward to facing him on Monday. Anyways, the rest of my horrible day went as such: I received some Eureka seven dvd's that I bought off ebay. I tried watching them and the first three disks have proven to be defective. I haven't had a chance to check the other three yet, but things are looking bleak. Then I had to help my dad assemble the fireplace. Then my sister tried to dump dish duty on me. Then I had to get after my nephew who was dunking my kitten in a water dish. Then I had to help my dad gut and skin a couple of pigs (which was actually something I needed after my day with Ed. I imagined it was his flesh I was cutting away). Then I had to put medicine on my horse's leg which she conveniently got wrapped in barbed wire…let's just say she wasn't too cooperative. As you can see, I could really use some humor right about now. I could also use some reviews. Thank you for sitting through my rant, now enjoy the final chapter to this story.

* * *

The scene taking place in the throne room of the firenation capitol was one of the strangest ones in the history of all mankind. One can stop and wonder if there is anything more that can happen that could cause it to be any more bizarre. It really does make you wonder, doesn't it? What other torment can your minds possibly go through? Well, suddenly, Zuko's water broke.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Sokka screeched, jumping to the side as a gush of water spilled from between Zuko's legs. Zuko grabbed Sokka's shirt.

"It's time." Zuko panted.

"TIME FOR WHAT?" Sokka screamed.

"I'M HAVING A BABY YOU IDIOT!" Zuko screamed back. Sokka stared at him blankly for a moment.

"Ew."

"DON'T JUST STAND THERE GAWKING! DO SOMETHING!" Zuko screamed.

"Now, what exactly do you mean by 'baby'?" Sokka asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"MOVE IT!"

"OKAY OKAY! KATARA! GET OVER HERE NOW!" Sokka screamed. Katara looked up from…whatever it is I left her off doing and skipped over to the two boys.

"Yeeeeeees?" She trilled sweetly.

"Zuko's having a baby. Do that thing you do." Sokka said, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder.

"He's having a what?" She shrieked.

"JET THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Zuko screamed between contractions. Everyone gasped.

"JET'S THE FATHER?" Katara screamed.

"NO YOU TWIT! I'M THE FATHER!" Zuko screamed back.

"WHERE EXACTLY DOES JET COME INTO THIS?" Katara screamed in reply.

"HE DOESN'T! I JUST WANTED TO MAKE EVERYONE GASP!" Zuko screamed, smiling slyly.

"YOU MORON!" Katara screamed.

"I don't think that's helping, Katara." Sokka said, grabbing her shoulders as she attempted to gouge out Zuko's eyes.

"Well what do you expect me to do?" Katara demanded.

"How am I supposed to know? You're the baby catcher!" Sokka cried.

"I'm the WHAT?" She demanded, her eyes flashing.

"Oh, come on! You just delivered a baby yesterday! This should be a piece of cake." Sokka said, gesturing at Zuko who was doubled over and panting like a dog.

"Erm…" Katara said awkwardly, watching this new anomaly suspiciously. "But I've never...HE'S A BOY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

"That didn't stop Arnold Schwarznegger" Sokka pointed. Katara pursed her lips

"Okay, I'll see what I can do." She said, taking Zuko's arm and guiding him out of the throne room.

"Wow. That was weird." Aang said, still in Ozai's arms. Ozai sniffled lightly and wiped his eyes on Aang's shoulder.

"I'm going to be a gran-pappy!" He cried joyfully, tossing Aang into the air.

"Didn't you find that strange?" Aang asked.

"Of course not. All firenation noblemen bear their own children. You don't think my wife had anything to do with my children, do you?" Ozai said, sniffing snobbishly.

"Well…"

"FIRELORD OZAI! RELEASE THE AVATAR!" Cried a highpitched, sqeaky, tofu-ish voice.

"GASP! It's Gengakou man!" Ozai shrieked, dropping Aang as a small white chibi creature burst through the very last window.

"Yes! It is I! I have traveled all the way from the Bobobo show to stop you!" cried the chibi.

"Foolish creature of high-protein plant matter! There's nothing you can do to stop me! I am invincible!" Ozai yelled, striking an invincible pose.

"Oh, but there you are mistaken! I have been watching you and you have already given away your two greatest weaknesses!" Gengakou man yelled. "Now face the wrath of my…CRAYONS!" Gengakou man pulled a fistful of crayons from somewhere behind his back. They ranged in colors from violet to magenta to plum. Ozai gasped and dove behind a table as Gengakou man threw the crayons with deadly accuracy.

"If you think that will stop me than think again! So long as I avoid you, your purply-ness will not have any affect on me!" Ozai called out from his table sanctuary.

"But you are forgetting one thing! I know of your other weakness!" Gengakou man said sinisterly and reached behind his back once more, thus bringing forth…CAKE!

"NOOOOooooo!" Ozai cried. Covering his eyes and nose.

"YEEEEeeesss!" Gengakou man cried back. "Go ahead and try to resist the moist sugary goodness. I know you can't! It will draw you from your hiding place soon, leaving you vulnerable and stupid! Hahahahhahahaha!" Ozai covered his eyes and tried breathing through his mouth. But the smell of the cake still penetrated his defenses, causing him to salivate. His body began to quiver with need, the spasms growing until his body racked with shivers and jerks. Finally, the beast broke free and before Ozai could stop himself he lunged from his sanctuary. Gengakou man let out a startled squeak and tried to throw his remaining arsenal of purple objects, but they whizzed harmlessly past Ozai's head. The poor Gengakou man didn't have a chance. So great was Ozai's ravenenity (heh, I just made that word up) that he swallowed the little tofu guy whole along with the cake. The Gengakou man fanbase mourned greatly only to be consoled ten minutes later when a hotdog vendor passed. Meanwhile, where people still care what's going on, Aang remembered that Ozai was evil. This is what happened inside his head:

_Mmm, cake…wait! Cake rhymes with fake! Hehee. What else rhymes? Let's see. AANG! Aang rhymes with…FANG! Dang! I like that! If I join a biker gang, that's going to be my new name. Fang! Fang fang fang. Mmmm. I wonder if there's any cheetohs left? I wonder how many of those I could fit into my mouth at once? I should try it! Where's Katara? I need her to keep count! Oh yeah, she's off doing that thing. I could teach Momo how to count them for me! But then again, I don't know that I can trust him. He did keep the fact that he can talk from me. He would probably miscount them or something. What's a good song to sing with a mouthful of cheetohs I wonder? I should ask Zuko's uncle! He knows a lot of songs. OH SNAP! OZAI'S EVIL!_

Thus he sprang into action.

"OZAI! YOU'RE EVIL!" Aang screamed, whipping out his staff.

"Duh." Ozai said, looking up from his current position on the floor where he was lapping up cake crumbs. This seemed to throw Aang off whatever vibe he was riding.

"Um…well…you're…you're evi-…you're not very nice!" Aang said, pointing accusingly.

"Aw, crap." Ozai said, hanging his head in shame. Aang let out a triumphant cry and scooped up a handful of purple lava lamp sludge. He hurled this at Ozai. The ooze hit Ozai squarely in the face and his skin began to blister and sizzle on contact.

"Eep!" Ozai said. And then he died. You can use your own imagination as to how grisly and dramatic his death was. I personally am not that cruel (cough).

* * *

**IN ANOTHER ROOM**

"Okay Zuko. Push!" Katara said.

"PUSH WHAT?" He demanded. A few seconds later there was a faint pop and Katara was holding one of the ugliest babies she had ever seen.

"Wow. That was weird!" She said, croodling the baby close to her. "It's a boy! Do you wanna hold him?" She asked Zuko who was wiping sweat from his forehead and trying to stand up. He frowned at the baby and shrugged.

"meh"

"How can you be so indifferent? You just brought this little human into the world!" Katara said angrily.

"Hey. I just pooped it out. It's the woman's work to take care of it from now on!" Zuko growled.

"And…what woman do you expect to take care of him?" Katara asked slowly. Zuko looked around, but he and Katara were very much alone in the room. Zuko heaved a frustrated sigh.

"I guess you'll have to do." He grumbled. Katara squealed and threw her arms around Zuko's neck, planting several bruising kisses on his cheek. Zuko shrieked and tried to push her away, but his attempts were unfruitful. After a few minutes of mindless cheek-kissing, Katara stopped on her own accord and frowned at Zuko.

"When were you even pregnant?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I've been pregnant this whole time! Didn't you recognize the mood swings?" He growled, wiping spit from his cheek.

"But you didn't show at all!"

"Well duh! Getting fat is woman's work!" Zuko said, conking his palm lightly on her forehead.

Zuko came back to consciousness a few minutes later to find Katara rocking the baby gently in her arms.

"We should name him…Osbert!"

And thus the story ends.

* * *

Wow. That was all kinds of wrong! I don't even know where it came from! But I do feel better! Even though my day ended with my dad stealing the television, causing me to miss Trinity Blood! (grumbles) And remember my little chickadees! The 200th reviewer gets to boss me around and make me write a oneshot of their very own choosing!

OH! One more thing! Anybody interested in writing a collaberation story, visit my deviantart page! I've written up a notice in my latest journal entry for anybody who may want to write something in a group! Also I've got a OC oneshot posted up there if you want to read something else by me that's avatar-ish.

Toodles!


End file.
